Just thinking of Marti

ONE HEADLIGHT
By: The Wallflowers
So long ago I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
They say she died easy of a brokenheart disease
As I listen through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
I've long broken all of human law
Now it always seemed like such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered, why she hung around this place

Chorus:
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be somethin' better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed.

And I seen the sign up ahead
At the county-line bridge
Saying all is good and nothingness is dead
Running til she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothing left.
She hit the end
It's just her window ledge

Repeat Chorus

This place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn
With smells of cheap old wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes, I'd think I'd like to watch it burn.

Now I sit alone
And I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between
These city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me

Hey, hey, hey-


A long time ago, in University, I fell in love with two men. One was a wall at the climbing gym, and the other was Marti. Marti also loved to climb. The fact that he climbed was one of the reasons I loved him. I started up rock climbing the summer before University and I fell hard. I loved the way my little fingers could pull my entire body weight up. I loved the way my legs would cry in agony as I would stretch them beyond their capability to reach even higher. I even loved the ways my poor feet would be stuffed into little shoes so that I could grasp a smaller rock on the wall. So in the fall, my friend A and I joined the Thunder Bay rock climbing gym. We were lucky to have two afternoons off a week, so in between studying 51 different blocks of wood and memorizing the latin names of tree twigs, we'd go for a few hours and really push ourselves to pain and sweat. It was awesome. And then I met Marti. Marti was in my class, but I never gave him much thought. He was quiet, had blond hair and deep brown eyes. Pretty normal looking. But then I saw him climb. I fell hard. He was amazing. He could redpoint a 5.11 without breaking a sweat. (redpoint is acing a climb without missing a rock and falling. the numbers explain the level of difficulty. the higher the number, the smaller the rocks, the further the stretch and the trickier the climb. i've done a 5.10 once.) He was so beautiful to watch. So graceful, so confident. And he'd always laugh this goofy laugh once he got to the top. I knew he was too shy, so I did the bad thing, the wrong thing, and I wooed him. It worked. We started dating. It was great. He actually held doors open for me and paid for my dinners out. Very unlike a university student. I had dated many guys who would maybe buy me a beer, maybe buy me a sub on the way home from the pub. Never actually going on dates. But Marti was different. In February, a few of his roomates/friends decided to go camping. In Nipigon. On a mountain. In February. I'd never been camping before and I was dying to go. So I went. I got to sit in the front seat passenger side because he was driving and I was the girlfriend. On the way up, during our one hour drive, this song came on and Marti sang it very loudly. He said he loved it. He sang very badly. But it was sweet. We had an awesome time camping. I was frozen the entire time. I barely slept because Marti's dog kept lying on me. It was a time of sweating in the sleeping bag and then kicking off the blankets and then freezing. I drank badly made chinese noodles broth soup the whole time which ended up ruining the flavours in my nalgene so my water tasted funny. R managed to burn his boots because he put them too close to the fire. The view was amazing. But we had to walk around on our hands and knees because the snow was so deep you'd sink to your waist. My knees hurt, my hands and toes were frozen, but I was happy.
Martin and I stayed together until the summer. I moved back home to do landscaping and he stayed for awhile in town. We called each other a few times, but he decided he just didn't want to get together anymore. That he was too busy for a girlfriend. I was stunned and hurt. Very hurt. He told me that I wasn't a good girlfriend to have. I was too bad. I was stunned. We stopped talking.
In August, I went rock climbing with A in Ottawa. And Marti just happened to be there. I didn't want to see him at all. But he asked us to belay him so he could climb and we did. He said he was on his way out west to go rock climbing with his best friend Baron before he returned to school. We said good-bye.
A week later A called me on the phone and told me to listen to the radio. I turned it on. Two climbers died while out west. It was Marti and Baron.

I found out that it was a weird climb. They were both tied in really well, and that it was only a 5.7. (He could do those in his sleep) But while they were up so high, the piton came out of the rock and Marti fell, Baron falling behind him. They both landed in mid-air and their spines snapped. The rescuers say they died immediately, but I still wonder.
I didn't go to the funeral. I probably should have, but I couldn't handle it. I was still too hurt and I knew that his friends knew why he dumped me but they wouldn't tell me why. I couldn't face them and I couldn't face his parents, who probably thought I wasn't good enough either.
But I did let it go.

I'm not necessarily sad, but sometimes when that song comes on, the lyrics have such a different meaning. And I think of Marti and the fun we did have.
And how he got home with just one headlight on.