I function better when I live in my cocoon.
My entire life I've spent living within my cocoon.
Everything would happen outside of it, and I would just pay attention to the inside.
Not in a selfish, mean manner, don't get me wrong. I just could never handle the truth.
And tonight I'm 'seeing' a lot of the truth. And the truth is awful.
I find myself wondering if the war is working. If women are finding themselves in worse conditions or better. I want to yell at the arrogant people who are saying it's a waste of time. Is it?
I find myself wondering how women are still surviving everywhere, just from the way men treat them. This isn't a 'feminist' thing, I just realized tonight that probably 90% of women believe that they are not worth it. And the way that some man has treated them. It breaks my heart and it makes me so angry.
And so I'm upstairs, hubby at work of course, I only have meltdowns when he's not home...and I feel so wretchedly sick to my stomach. To think of the pain, and the harshness going on out there. And here I am in my comfortable home, wondering whether or not we can afford a new couch.
And this is why I stay in my bubble. Because if I don't, I am racked with constant grief and my heart breaking.
I am so ignorant.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A little more conversation, a little less action please...
Too tired!
Life is...I had it down past during the summer. I had it figured out. We didn't have time schedules, we could nap if we wanted, spend the entire afternoon playing in the backyard in the kiddie pool eating rice crisps, or tending the tomatoes...We could go hang out at the grocery store, walk to get ice cream when it was hot. So simple.
Now...
I am having such a hard time finding my groove. The gaffer is 5. He's in SK. He goes to school 3 times a week. He has swimming lessons twice a week. I was excited to have all this time to myself. To 'get things done'. The only thing I've gotten done on my list is get rockstar hubby to hang up a lantern over the fireplace. And that was only today after I harassed him for about ten minutes about it. Which took a trip to home depot to buy anchors to screw the bracket to the wall. But it's very pretty.
I vaguely have my library ready. In quiet wallowing, I had a garage sale and sold all of my baby items. Then I turned the nursery into a library. I bought a huge bookshelf with cubbies and put it right in the middle of the room to be a divider, so that I have a cubby to write in. I purchased a lavender desk to write on. I'm still looking for that perfectly comfy chair but I don't think Bombay Company is something I can afford. But it's not done yet. I'm tempted to paint the room a chocolate brown as it is right now a light blue. Which was the gaffer's original room, but it faces north, so this summer we moved him into the yellow room which faces the backyard and gets sun for about 8 hours. I love to watch him sit in the sunlight and build something brilliant with his lego.
I'm trying to organize my house. I still don't have a place for everything and with all of the things that need to be done (ie laundry, bathrooms, laundry, making food, laundry) it hasn't been done. Which means my house is kind of a disaster. And it needs to be organized. For me. For my sanity.
Because in the middle of November, I'm getting my manuscript back. Macro-edited. Because I scored a deal with Zondervan.
Let's all take a moment to scream.
Ok, that being said, yes, I am ridiculously excited. But I have no idea what to expect. I can't imagine writing and re-writing for three days while the gaffer is at school, when I can't find time to sweep my floors now. My days off are non-existent! And I am beginning to suffer...badly.
But I have a book deal...
and the lantern looks lovely.
Life is...I had it down past during the summer. I had it figured out. We didn't have time schedules, we could nap if we wanted, spend the entire afternoon playing in the backyard in the kiddie pool eating rice crisps, or tending the tomatoes...We could go hang out at the grocery store, walk to get ice cream when it was hot. So simple.
Now...
I am having such a hard time finding my groove. The gaffer is 5. He's in SK. He goes to school 3 times a week. He has swimming lessons twice a week. I was excited to have all this time to myself. To 'get things done'. The only thing I've gotten done on my list is get rockstar hubby to hang up a lantern over the fireplace. And that was only today after I harassed him for about ten minutes about it. Which took a trip to home depot to buy anchors to screw the bracket to the wall. But it's very pretty.
I vaguely have my library ready. In quiet wallowing, I had a garage sale and sold all of my baby items. Then I turned the nursery into a library. I bought a huge bookshelf with cubbies and put it right in the middle of the room to be a divider, so that I have a cubby to write in. I purchased a lavender desk to write on. I'm still looking for that perfectly comfy chair but I don't think Bombay Company is something I can afford. But it's not done yet. I'm tempted to paint the room a chocolate brown as it is right now a light blue. Which was the gaffer's original room, but it faces north, so this summer we moved him into the yellow room which faces the backyard and gets sun for about 8 hours. I love to watch him sit in the sunlight and build something brilliant with his lego.
I'm trying to organize my house. I still don't have a place for everything and with all of the things that need to be done (ie laundry, bathrooms, laundry, making food, laundry) it hasn't been done. Which means my house is kind of a disaster. And it needs to be organized. For me. For my sanity.
Because in the middle of November, I'm getting my manuscript back. Macro-edited. Because I scored a deal with Zondervan.
Let's all take a moment to scream.
Ok, that being said, yes, I am ridiculously excited. But I have no idea what to expect. I can't imagine writing and re-writing for three days while the gaffer is at school, when I can't find time to sweep my floors now. My days off are non-existent! And I am beginning to suffer...badly.
But I have a book deal...
and the lantern looks lovely.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The gaffer is 5
Yesterday, the gaffer turned 5.
I'd like to say it was a monumentous occasion, but we were camping, and it was actually awful. Due to wasp stings, bugs in the eye, mosquito bites, not sleeping all night because it was freezing, he was in prime form with the whining, tantruming and crying.
I felt so blessed.
But now, the next morning, after a decent night's sleep, as he watches star wars in the other room while I try to get my house in order, I'm having a moment.
It doesn't help that I'm washing baby food jars. Because I make muffins out of their squash because I couldn't be bothered to cook my own.
Before he was born, I didn't want him. And then God said, you need kids. And we got pregnant that week.
I didn't enjoy pregnancy, even though I wasn't sick, I wasn't exhausted...I just, didn't like it.
I didn't enjoy the labour.
I didn't enjoy him the first 6 weeks. In fact, I realize now that I was suffering from postpartum. Who knew?
And then at two months, I fell in love. Actually, I was watching 'Cold Mountain' and the part with Natalie Portman? Where the soldiers come? And demand food? And she doesn't give them any? So they put her naked baby in the snow? That's when I snapped. No way was anyone going to touch my baby.
He's 5.
I feel sick.
I so enjoyed 4.
Why does he have to grow up?
Sure, I know I have moments, like this camping trip where I wish I was far far away. But of course as soon as I am far far away, I find myself sniffing his sheets and snuggling his pillow because even though it smells like bad breath, I miss him. Desperately.
I hate thinking of the future.
Because I know he has to grow up.
I know he has to leave home.
I know he has to get married and I will need to not call him everyday.
Every second.
Demanding a kiss or snuggle.
And that breaks my heart.
Here's to being five.
I pray it lasts a lifetime.
I'd like to say it was a monumentous occasion, but we were camping, and it was actually awful. Due to wasp stings, bugs in the eye, mosquito bites, not sleeping all night because it was freezing, he was in prime form with the whining, tantruming and crying.
I felt so blessed.
But now, the next morning, after a decent night's sleep, as he watches star wars in the other room while I try to get my house in order, I'm having a moment.
It doesn't help that I'm washing baby food jars. Because I make muffins out of their squash because I couldn't be bothered to cook my own.
Before he was born, I didn't want him. And then God said, you need kids. And we got pregnant that week.
I didn't enjoy pregnancy, even though I wasn't sick, I wasn't exhausted...I just, didn't like it.
I didn't enjoy the labour.
I didn't enjoy him the first 6 weeks. In fact, I realize now that I was suffering from postpartum. Who knew?
And then at two months, I fell in love. Actually, I was watching 'Cold Mountain' and the part with Natalie Portman? Where the soldiers come? And demand food? And she doesn't give them any? So they put her naked baby in the snow? That's when I snapped. No way was anyone going to touch my baby.
He's 5.
I feel sick.
I so enjoyed 4.
Why does he have to grow up?
Sure, I know I have moments, like this camping trip where I wish I was far far away. But of course as soon as I am far far away, I find myself sniffing his sheets and snuggling his pillow because even though it smells like bad breath, I miss him. Desperately.
I hate thinking of the future.
Because I know he has to grow up.
I know he has to leave home.
I know he has to get married and I will need to not call him everyday.
Every second.
Demanding a kiss or snuggle.
And that breaks my heart.
Here's to being five.
I pray it lasts a lifetime.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
missing you
every once in awhile it bothers me.
that we aren't close.
that you can't let go, you can't forgive, you can't just let me be me.
i can't apologize for disappointing you, because i haven't done anything wrong. except live within your control.
i am so genuinely sad.
i understand that life is to be filled with heartache, especially for those who are called to follow.
i realize that i am being protected by this lack of relationship, that i would hurt ever so much more were we trying to be closer.
i realize that my heart can only handle so much.
and that's why i've stopped trying.
but sometimes, sometimes i wish you would just pick up the phone, or have me for coffee and actually listen to what i'm saying.
that you would actually like me for who i am.
not that you need to.
but it would be nice.
i see the photos of all of you and you look so happy and ...a family.
and i don't have that.
i just avoid all of it.
am i a coward?
or am i just too tired to deal?
my own little family of three makes up for all of it.
i couldn't be happier.
but sometimes...
oh sometimes...
i miss you desperately.
or maybe i just miss what i thought we once had.
that we aren't close.
that you can't let go, you can't forgive, you can't just let me be me.
i can't apologize for disappointing you, because i haven't done anything wrong. except live within your control.
i am so genuinely sad.
i understand that life is to be filled with heartache, especially for those who are called to follow.
i realize that i am being protected by this lack of relationship, that i would hurt ever so much more were we trying to be closer.
i realize that my heart can only handle so much.
and that's why i've stopped trying.
but sometimes, sometimes i wish you would just pick up the phone, or have me for coffee and actually listen to what i'm saying.
that you would actually like me for who i am.
not that you need to.
but it would be nice.
i see the photos of all of you and you look so happy and ...a family.
and i don't have that.
i just avoid all of it.
am i a coward?
or am i just too tired to deal?
my own little family of three makes up for all of it.
i couldn't be happier.
but sometimes...
oh sometimes...
i miss you desperately.
or maybe i just miss what i thought we once had.
couples camping
It was a good camping holiday.
Rockstar hubby and I are so used to shooting the lower Pet over a period of 3 days. We pack up all the canoes, safety equipment, first aid kit, helmets, food, tent etc and haul a few other couples to canoe camp with us. It’s an exhausting trip which requires a lot of bravery and skill. Not only do we need to stay up late the night before to pack everything, we get up at 3am to pack the car, put food from freezer to barrel packs, grab a last latte, and meet at Antrim for 5am. By leaving at 5am, we get to our put-in at Lake Traverse for around 9. After a quick ‘how to canoe’ recap, we’re off. Exactly one hour after paddling calm waters and listening to couples’ bicker, we hit the rapids. And from then on, we just give’er. Right until suppertime, in which RSH sets up the fire, boils water and cooks supper, while I set up our tent and whatnot. We eat, do dishes and then crash at 9 because we have to get up at 6 the next morning to get an early start. It’s a total of 50km that we have to paddle. And on the last day, we hit the three long lakes, in which, it always rains, pushing us further away from our destination. Then we go home. It’s exhausting. While it is fun, very very fun, and it’s fun to hang out with the other couples and discuss stuff and experience God, it’s exhausting. RSH and I need a few days to get our focus back because we are so tired. Planning, executing, constantly making sure that everyone is safe. It’s strenuous but fabulous. But we’ve noticed a decline in participants this year. We’ve been doing it for 6 years now. Maybe 7. A mens’ trip and then a couples’ trip. Two a year. Exhausting. And while people usually whine/complain/ask why we don’t do it more often, we just inwardly roll our eyes and say, well, we’ll see. But this year.
Oh, this year.
This year, was very, very relaxing.
We decided after the mens’ trip, to make it a relax trip. There were only 5 guys on the men’s trip, and frankly, as fun as it was for them, it was a waste of our resources and stress. So we picked an area to just walk to, to set up and just hang out. RSH still got stressed about the planning, trying to make sure he made enough coffee (7 pots that morning), make sure the food was cooked, the dishes were washed, the food put away, the garbage tied up...he actually got to play for a whole hour. I found it relaxing because I didn’t care. If people were hungry, they could help themselves. I actually got to sleep in that morning because I was so tired. And RSH enjoyed it. He said he felt more relaxed. That he needed to relax. So despite the comments of ‘well, while this is nice, I miss doing the trip and running the rapids and I miss the excitement’ (of which I bit my tongue quite hard) RSH and I have come to a mutual agreement that next year, will be a year of ‘doing nothing’ camping. Whoever wants to come, can sign up to take care of some of the food. Of some of the cooking. Because RSH and I are going to do like the other couples did and take off for a walk, or nap on a rock or swim for a lengthy period of time with each other and just enjoy being a couple. Instead of taking care of others.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be selfish. But RSH works two jobs where he goes and goes and goes. The last thing he needs is to have to go and go and go again.
Oof. I just reread this and realized it sounds like I’m complaining. And I’m really not. I’ve enjoyed every trip. Maybe I’m just getting old....
Rockstar hubby and I are so used to shooting the lower Pet over a period of 3 days. We pack up all the canoes, safety equipment, first aid kit, helmets, food, tent etc and haul a few other couples to canoe camp with us. It’s an exhausting trip which requires a lot of bravery and skill. Not only do we need to stay up late the night before to pack everything, we get up at 3am to pack the car, put food from freezer to barrel packs, grab a last latte, and meet at Antrim for 5am. By leaving at 5am, we get to our put-in at Lake Traverse for around 9. After a quick ‘how to canoe’ recap, we’re off. Exactly one hour after paddling calm waters and listening to couples’ bicker, we hit the rapids. And from then on, we just give’er. Right until suppertime, in which RSH sets up the fire, boils water and cooks supper, while I set up our tent and whatnot. We eat, do dishes and then crash at 9 because we have to get up at 6 the next morning to get an early start. It’s a total of 50km that we have to paddle. And on the last day, we hit the three long lakes, in which, it always rains, pushing us further away from our destination. Then we go home. It’s exhausting. While it is fun, very very fun, and it’s fun to hang out with the other couples and discuss stuff and experience God, it’s exhausting. RSH and I need a few days to get our focus back because we are so tired. Planning, executing, constantly making sure that everyone is safe. It’s strenuous but fabulous. But we’ve noticed a decline in participants this year. We’ve been doing it for 6 years now. Maybe 7. A mens’ trip and then a couples’ trip. Two a year. Exhausting. And while people usually whine/complain/ask why we don’t do it more often, we just inwardly roll our eyes and say, well, we’ll see. But this year.
Oh, this year.
This year, was very, very relaxing.
We decided after the mens’ trip, to make it a relax trip. There were only 5 guys on the men’s trip, and frankly, as fun as it was for them, it was a waste of our resources and stress. So we picked an area to just walk to, to set up and just hang out. RSH still got stressed about the planning, trying to make sure he made enough coffee (7 pots that morning), make sure the food was cooked, the dishes were washed, the food put away, the garbage tied up...he actually got to play for a whole hour. I found it relaxing because I didn’t care. If people were hungry, they could help themselves. I actually got to sleep in that morning because I was so tired. And RSH enjoyed it. He said he felt more relaxed. That he needed to relax. So despite the comments of ‘well, while this is nice, I miss doing the trip and running the rapids and I miss the excitement’ (of which I bit my tongue quite hard) RSH and I have come to a mutual agreement that next year, will be a year of ‘doing nothing’ camping. Whoever wants to come, can sign up to take care of some of the food. Of some of the cooking. Because RSH and I are going to do like the other couples did and take off for a walk, or nap on a rock or swim for a lengthy period of time with each other and just enjoy being a couple. Instead of taking care of others.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be selfish. But RSH works two jobs where he goes and goes and goes. The last thing he needs is to have to go and go and go again.
Oof. I just reread this and realized it sounds like I’m complaining. And I’m really not. I’ve enjoyed every trip. Maybe I’m just getting old....
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