Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I function better when I live in my cocoon.

My entire life I've spent living within my cocoon.
Everything would happen outside of it, and I would just pay attention to the inside.

Not in a selfish, mean manner, don't get me wrong. I just could never handle the truth.

And tonight I'm 'seeing' a lot of the truth. And the truth is awful.

I find myself wondering if the war is working. If women are finding themselves in worse conditions or better. I want to yell at the arrogant people who are saying it's a waste of time. Is it?

I find myself wondering how women are still surviving everywhere, just from the way men treat them. This isn't a 'feminist' thing, I just realized tonight that probably 90% of women believe that they are not worth it. And the way that some man has treated them. It breaks my heart and it makes me so angry.

And so I'm upstairs, hubby at work of course, I only have meltdowns when he's not home...and I feel so wretchedly sick to my stomach. To think of the pain, and the harshness going on out there. And here I am in my comfortable home, wondering whether or not we can afford a new couch.

And this is why I stay in my bubble. Because if I don't, I am racked with constant grief and my heart breaking.

I am so ignorant.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A little more conversation, a little less action please...

Too tired!

Life is...I had it down past during the summer. I had it figured out. We didn't have time schedules, we could nap if we wanted, spend the entire afternoon playing in the backyard in the kiddie pool eating rice crisps, or tending the tomatoes...We could go hang out at the grocery store, walk to get ice cream when it was hot. So simple.

I am having such a hard time finding my groove. The gaffer is 5. He's in SK. He goes to school 3 times a week. He has swimming lessons twice a week. I was excited to have all this time to myself. To 'get things done'. The only thing I've gotten done on my list is get rockstar hubby to hang up a lantern over the fireplace. And that was only today after I harassed him for about ten minutes about it. Which took a trip to home depot to buy anchors to screw the bracket to the wall. But it's very pretty.
I vaguely have my library ready. In quiet wallowing, I had a garage sale and sold all of my baby items. Then I turned the nursery into a library. I bought a huge bookshelf with cubbies and put it right in the middle of the room to be a divider, so that I have a cubby to write in. I purchased a lavender desk to write on. I'm still looking for that perfectly comfy chair but I don't think Bombay Company is something I can afford. But it's not done yet. I'm tempted to paint the room a chocolate brown as it is right now a light blue. Which was the gaffer's original room, but it faces north, so this summer we moved him into the yellow room which faces the backyard and gets sun for about 8 hours. I love to watch him sit in the sunlight and build something brilliant with his lego.
I'm trying to organize my house. I still don't have a place for everything and with all of the things that need to be done (ie laundry, bathrooms, laundry, making food, laundry) it hasn't been done. Which means my house is kind of a disaster. And it needs to be organized. For me. For my sanity.

Because in the middle of November, I'm getting my manuscript back. Macro-edited. Because I scored a deal with Zondervan.
Let's all take a moment to scream.

Ok, that being said, yes, I am ridiculously excited. But I have no idea what to expect. I can't imagine writing and re-writing for three days while the gaffer is at school, when I can't find time to sweep my floors now. My days off are non-existent! And I am beginning to suffer...badly.

But I have a book deal...

and the lantern looks lovely.