Wednesday, August 26, 2009

missing you

every once in awhile it bothers me.

that we aren't close.
that you can't let go, you can't forgive, you can't just let me be me.
i can't apologize for disappointing you, because i haven't done anything wrong. except live within your control.
i am so genuinely sad.
i understand that life is to be filled with heartache, especially for those who are called to follow.
i realize that i am being protected by this lack of relationship, that i would hurt ever so much more were we trying to be closer.
i realize that my heart can only handle so much.
and that's why i've stopped trying.
but sometimes, sometimes i wish you would just pick up the phone, or have me for coffee and actually listen to what i'm saying.
that you would actually like me for who i am.
not that you need to.
but it would be nice.

i see the photos of all of you and you look so happy and ...a family.
and i don't have that.
i just avoid all of it.
am i a coward?
or am i just too tired to deal?

my own little family of three makes up for all of it.
i couldn't be happier.

but sometimes...
oh sometimes...
i miss you desperately.
or maybe i just miss what i thought we once had.

couples camping

It was a good camping holiday.
Rockstar hubby and I are so used to shooting the lower Pet over a period of 3 days. We pack up all the canoes, safety equipment, first aid kit, helmets, food, tent etc and haul a few other couples to canoe camp with us. It’s an exhausting trip which requires a lot of bravery and skill. Not only do we need to stay up late the night before to pack everything, we get up at 3am to pack the car, put food from freezer to barrel packs, grab a last latte, and meet at Antrim for 5am. By leaving at 5am, we get to our put-in at Lake Traverse for around 9. After a quick ‘how to canoe’ recap, we’re off. Exactly one hour after paddling calm waters and listening to couples’ bicker, we hit the rapids. And from then on, we just give’er. Right until suppertime, in which RSH sets up the fire, boils water and cooks supper, while I set up our tent and whatnot. We eat, do dishes and then crash at 9 because we have to get up at 6 the next morning to get an early start. It’s a total of 50km that we have to paddle. And on the last day, we hit the three long lakes, in which, it always rains, pushing us further away from our destination. Then we go home. It’s exhausting. While it is fun, very very fun, and it’s fun to hang out with the other couples and discuss stuff and experience God, it’s exhausting. RSH and I need a few days to get our focus back because we are so tired. Planning, executing, constantly making sure that everyone is safe. It’s strenuous but fabulous. But we’ve noticed a decline in participants this year. We’ve been doing it for 6 years now. Maybe 7. A mens’ trip and then a couples’ trip. Two a year. Exhausting. And while people usually whine/complain/ask why we don’t do it more often, we just inwardly roll our eyes and say, well, we’ll see. But this year.
Oh, this year.
This year, was very, very relaxing.
We decided after the mens’ trip, to make it a relax trip. There were only 5 guys on the men’s trip, and frankly, as fun as it was for them, it was a waste of our resources and stress. So we picked an area to just walk to, to set up and just hang out. RSH still got stressed about the planning, trying to make sure he made enough coffee (7 pots that morning), make sure the food was cooked, the dishes were washed, the food put away, the garbage tied up...he actually got to play for a whole hour. I found it relaxing because I didn’t care. If people were hungry, they could help themselves. I actually got to sleep in that morning because I was so tired. And RSH enjoyed it. He said he felt more relaxed. That he needed to relax. So despite the comments of ‘well, while this is nice, I miss doing the trip and running the rapids and I miss the excitement’ (of which I bit my tongue quite hard) RSH and I have come to a mutual agreement that next year, will be a year of ‘doing nothing’ camping. Whoever wants to come, can sign up to take care of some of the food. Of some of the cooking. Because RSH and I are going to do like the other couples did and take off for a walk, or nap on a rock or swim for a lengthy period of time with each other and just enjoy being a couple. Instead of taking care of others.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be selfish. But RSH works two jobs where he goes and goes and goes. The last thing he needs is to have to go and go and go again.

Oof. I just reread this and realized it sounds like I’m complaining. And I’m really not. I’ve enjoyed every trip. Maybe I’m just getting old....

Sunday, August 16, 2009

summertime pt 2

And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high

Oh, Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry

One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky

But until that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With your daddy and mammy standing by

And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high

Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry"

I watched the gaffer suck back a bottle of water and as he swallowed, he began to coo. I was transported by 4 1/2 years...

Saturday, August 15, 2009


...and the livin' is easy
fish are jumpin'
and the cotton is high.
your daddy's rich
and your ma is good-lookin'
so hush baby
don't you cry....

i love ella.

anyhoo, it's 35C and i just spent 4 hours in the blazing sun, gardening. i don't know what possessed me. i hate the heat. i hide like a little shadow from it. i like it when i'm beside a lake, but at the moment i am not. so i gardened. in full overalls. i cut down all the dead plants, weeded, and bought more plants. i finally bought a butterfly bush, a rudbeckia (really, can you have too many?) some herbs and an orchid for inside. i sweated like a pig, and i kinda liked it. and now for some reason, i'm ready to tackle the kitchen. what is wrong with me?

on the book front, i'm pleased to say that at the moment, the publisher is very excited and i'm waiting for a marketing thing to go through, and hopefully, in a week, i'll have an offer. and then i can share more details. i'm so excited. i keep imagining next Christmas, walking through chapters, and seeing my book. i'm very excited. i can't stop smiling. my sweet friend B, has also allowed me to publish her lovely song which i'm positive was written for me, even though she wasn't thinking of me at the time, to publish it at the beginning of the book. i hope the publisher goes for it. and then she's throwing me a 'seren is brilliant' party. everyone must dress frivolously...i must find my faerie wings....