missing you

every once in awhile it bothers me.

that we aren't close.
that you can't let go, you can't forgive, you can't just let me be me.
i can't apologize for disappointing you, because i haven't done anything wrong. except live within your control.
i am so genuinely sad.
i understand that life is to be filled with heartache, especially for those who are called to follow.
i realize that i am being protected by this lack of relationship, that i would hurt ever so much more were we trying to be closer.
i realize that my heart can only handle so much.
and that's why i've stopped trying.
but sometimes, sometimes i wish you would just pick up the phone, or have me for coffee and actually listen to what i'm saying.
that you would actually like me for who i am.
not that you need to.
but it would be nice.

i see the photos of all of you and you look so happy and ...a family.
and i don't have that.
i just avoid all of it.
am i a coward?
or am i just too tired to deal?

my own little family of three makes up for all of it.
i couldn't be happier.

but sometimes...
oh sometimes...
i miss you desperately.
or maybe i just miss what i thought we once had.