So of course I get frustrated and discouraged while I’m reading my writer’s craft book. So many publishers. So many magazines. Who could possibly want to read anything that I write? There are so many good books out there. Granted there are some pretty crappy ones, but I chalk it up to me just not liking them. So many books that are bland and without feeling and emotion. Just a sensible story that may turn into a movie, or a bunch of fluttery flower words that are just too much. And I begin to believe the lie. You are not good enough. No one will read it. No one will publish it. You do not have what it takes. You do not have enough training. You have not worked hard enough. What are you doing?
And yet…
And yet I met a woman who looked just like me, and she was offered a publishing deal.
And today I met a woman who sold books, and works for a very large publishing company. And she gave me the number to call. And she told me that her company wasn’t publishing as much as they used to because there were just not as many books going around anymore. That I should go for it.
Oh LORD, how you encourage me in so many little ways…
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
wednesday
went to the experimental farm yesterday. i have to say the highlights were trying to find the entrance. we went the wrong way around, and we ended up coming back twice because i couldn't find the bathroom. things were still a little awkward with the p's there.
then rockstar hubby took gaffer home for a nap while i worked on two art projects. a smaller version of the blue in the dining room, and i played with some pastels. i think it'll look very cool.
hosted homegroup last night which was nice because it meant i had to clean my house. it should be a rule that i have guests once a week, just so i can clean my house...
went to gym this morning and began my abs routine. i already know i'm going to be hurting tomorrow. then to b's farm for din-din.
i was debating not napping, but with the sun hiding and my bed all snuggly warm, how can i not?
then rockstar hubby took gaffer home for a nap while i worked on two art projects. a smaller version of the blue in the dining room, and i played with some pastels. i think it'll look very cool.
hosted homegroup last night which was nice because it meant i had to clean my house. it should be a rule that i have guests once a week, just so i can clean my house...
went to gym this morning and began my abs routine. i already know i'm going to be hurting tomorrow. then to b's farm for din-din.
i was debating not napping, but with the sun hiding and my bed all snuggly warm, how can i not?
Monday, May 28, 2007
no title for today
well, this morning started off with a trip to the dentist for a cleaning. the gaffer had his teeth looked at and i'm pleased to say he was a very good boy. did i mention that MY dentist is a dentist to the *SENATORS*? ladeeda. he gets to go to all of their games and i'm sure he's having a great time in california.
then we dropped gaffer off at sitter and went to do some serious shopping so i could purchase an outfit for this weekend's cocktail party. i found nothing. actually i found a gorgeous dress that looks amazing on me, but it is totally inappropriate for the party. may wear red pants?
then i got to go to coffee place to write poetry and do some major editing. met a very interesting woman sitting across from me, who actually introduced herself by writing a phrase on a piece of paper while i was on the phone with B trying to figure out a proper word for a sentence. so we started talking and it turns out that she is submitting her proposal to a publishing company (LUCKY!!!!) for her book. which is titled, 'Calcutta is everywhere', and it's about her meeting mother theresa and her experiences and relating it all back to being mothers for our children. it sounded very cool, and i hope it works for her.
so i'm going to start a poetry blog. i don't know what to call it, and i don't know how to link it to this one, but i'm gonna do it anyways....
i'm tired.
then we dropped gaffer off at sitter and went to do some serious shopping so i could purchase an outfit for this weekend's cocktail party. i found nothing. actually i found a gorgeous dress that looks amazing on me, but it is totally inappropriate for the party. may wear red pants?
then i got to go to coffee place to write poetry and do some major editing. met a very interesting woman sitting across from me, who actually introduced herself by writing a phrase on a piece of paper while i was on the phone with B trying to figure out a proper word for a sentence. so we started talking and it turns out that she is submitting her proposal to a publishing company (LUCKY!!!!) for her book. which is titled, 'Calcutta is everywhere', and it's about her meeting mother theresa and her experiences and relating it all back to being mothers for our children. it sounded very cool, and i hope it works for her.
so i'm going to start a poetry blog. i don't know what to call it, and i don't know how to link it to this one, but i'm gonna do it anyways....
i'm tired.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Fierce Pride and Questions
Ok, that was a neat trip. We left friday morning and made a few stops along the way (dropping off gaffer, starbucks fill up etc) and we drove and drove and drove. Within half an hour of driving, i needed a nap. so i crashed for 30 minutes then we drove some more. almost got lost in montreal, but didn't. (why oh why do they not have clearly marked signs?) then we got to the border and met up with our team. (they left before us but we caught up to them, they got lost a lot) then we convoyed through vermont. could there be a prettier state? of course i think every state is beautiful...except for missouri, minnesota (?) i believe it's below northern ontario and i just want to say that duluth is ugly. i mean, really really ugly. you drive through thunderbay towards the border and you follow the lake and it's gorgeous, but duluth? ewww. anyways, as the mountains started to get a bit bigger, we had arrived in washington. population 1000. fabulous. very pretty. quaint. but not gorgeous.
anyways, we checked in then ran to the grocery store to stock up and i noticed to my delight a dollar store! so i ran in. i spent 12 bucks on garden ornaments. so lovely! then helped get the rest of the groceries. note to self: do not buy groceries with 6 women. it makes you a little crazy. then we got back and sat down to the first talk.
doug talked about mud-outs. which is what has to happen when someone's basement gets destroyed through flooding. and the volunteers go in and pump out the water, spray for mold, remove debris, clean, clean, clean. it looked really really hard. but during that time, you are supposed to talk to people. to sit down with them and share the love of Christ. very cool. so we heard stories and such. then we went to bed. too many women in one room. i barely slept. yes, i woke up crabby. but i did get a latte.
so we started the next morning learning about what to put in the mud-out trailer and then we talked about how to feed 1000 people. that was fun. and then we made lunch as a team. i chose to wash dishes. i even got to talk to S which was nice. met a crazy lady.
we also attended their memorial day service. only 20 people showed up. and as it began, i started to cry. i couldn't stop. they spoke about how people gave their lives for their freedom (sorry, 'our' freedom) how they were proud of them. how it was so important to fight for our freedom. for others who were in bondage and slavery. and then we prayed. and then came a few stories. and then we met a few people who had served. a man here served in vietnam. another man had just returned from iraq after serving for 4 years. another woman had lost a son over there. they read the names of the 18 from that town that had died. and i cried. i cried because i felt for them. i know nothing about the war except that it needs to happen. it doesn't mean i like it. but it has to be done. they are so proud of their kids over there. so proud. and it made me cry because they are so passionate about it. they know there is a good chance they'll die. but they do it for their country. and it made me so angry at people who are against the war. all this 'peace' stuff. yeah? who's going to fight for the women who are being abused? the kids who are left alone? the cities being destroyed because someone is greedy? and i wanted to slap everyone i know who is against the war, because they are shaming and disrespecting those who are fighting for freedom. and i cried. their pride was beautiful.
the rest of the day went well, and then we took off for our long drive home. we did stop at a ben and jerry's though and i can't believe the flavours they have! woohoo! a couple of lactaid later and i was set.
hubby and i were quiet all the way home. just thinking. just wondering. how soon will it be before we get a call to go? will we be able to go? can i do it?
anyways, we checked in then ran to the grocery store to stock up and i noticed to my delight a dollar store! so i ran in. i spent 12 bucks on garden ornaments. so lovely! then helped get the rest of the groceries. note to self: do not buy groceries with 6 women. it makes you a little crazy. then we got back and sat down to the first talk.
doug talked about mud-outs. which is what has to happen when someone's basement gets destroyed through flooding. and the volunteers go in and pump out the water, spray for mold, remove debris, clean, clean, clean. it looked really really hard. but during that time, you are supposed to talk to people. to sit down with them and share the love of Christ. very cool. so we heard stories and such. then we went to bed. too many women in one room. i barely slept. yes, i woke up crabby. but i did get a latte.
so we started the next morning learning about what to put in the mud-out trailer and then we talked about how to feed 1000 people. that was fun. and then we made lunch as a team. i chose to wash dishes. i even got to talk to S which was nice. met a crazy lady.
we also attended their memorial day service. only 20 people showed up. and as it began, i started to cry. i couldn't stop. they spoke about how people gave their lives for their freedom (sorry, 'our' freedom) how they were proud of them. how it was so important to fight for our freedom. for others who were in bondage and slavery. and then we prayed. and then came a few stories. and then we met a few people who had served. a man here served in vietnam. another man had just returned from iraq after serving for 4 years. another woman had lost a son over there. they read the names of the 18 from that town that had died. and i cried. i cried because i felt for them. i know nothing about the war except that it needs to happen. it doesn't mean i like it. but it has to be done. they are so proud of their kids over there. so proud. and it made me cry because they are so passionate about it. they know there is a good chance they'll die. but they do it for their country. and it made me so angry at people who are against the war. all this 'peace' stuff. yeah? who's going to fight for the women who are being abused? the kids who are left alone? the cities being destroyed because someone is greedy? and i wanted to slap everyone i know who is against the war, because they are shaming and disrespecting those who are fighting for freedom. and i cried. their pride was beautiful.
the rest of the day went well, and then we took off for our long drive home. we did stop at a ben and jerry's though and i can't believe the flavours they have! woohoo! a couple of lactaid later and i was set.
hubby and i were quiet all the way home. just thinking. just wondering. how soon will it be before we get a call to go? will we be able to go? can i do it?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
hmmm...
ok, so i did not stay up to watch LOST. i must have been tired. i'm starting to question all of these headaches and exhaustion. must call doctor at some point.
rockstar hubby took gaffer out this morning to exchange a dress for me, go to funzone and then home depot to purchase some earplugs and...gasp...chemicals to kill the dandelions on my lawn.
i've succumbed to yuckiness.
i know i suck. but you don't understand! i am one of the most non-chemical, try to be natural person i know! i mean, a friend of mine was actually shocked when i told her that i had a weakness for zesty doritos! she thought i didn't eat that stuff! but my lawn is completely infested. i have no grass. i went to 8 stores two days ago to find the weedhound. and yesterday i drove an hour to go get it and pay 30$ for it. guess what? it works fine. but after an hour of weeding and only having gotten 1 square foot done, i gave up. seriously! i'd rather be playing with my flowers! so i called hubby on the phone and said, 'babe. get scott's weed and feed. let's kill those buggers.'
i know. what have i become?
lots of my neighbours have dandelions. two doors down. they have none. they have such a lovely lawn that i find myself driving slowly past so i can drool over it. the other day i walked all the way down in my barefeet to say hello just so i could feel the softness under my toes. at which point i sighed and he looked at me funny. as i left i swore i could see him combing my feet prints away. but it's sooo pretty!
so the plan is: mow the lawn today. broadcast weed and feed at 6:30 when gaffer is in bed, then run the sprinkler. we leave tomorrow morning at 7am and we won't be back until sunday, so it should be safe by then.
please don't hate me.
planted many more gazanias ( i love saying that word out loud), two lovely clematis, more pansies (i'm addicted) and i ripped the hideous green fake carpet off our front porch. that was satisfying. except it's unbelievable hideous under the hideous green fake carpet. am going to hide when hubby comes home.
rockstar hubby took gaffer out this morning to exchange a dress for me, go to funzone and then home depot to purchase some earplugs and...gasp...chemicals to kill the dandelions on my lawn.
i've succumbed to yuckiness.
i know i suck. but you don't understand! i am one of the most non-chemical, try to be natural person i know! i mean, a friend of mine was actually shocked when i told her that i had a weakness for zesty doritos! she thought i didn't eat that stuff! but my lawn is completely infested. i have no grass. i went to 8 stores two days ago to find the weedhound. and yesterday i drove an hour to go get it and pay 30$ for it. guess what? it works fine. but after an hour of weeding and only having gotten 1 square foot done, i gave up. seriously! i'd rather be playing with my flowers! so i called hubby on the phone and said, 'babe. get scott's weed and feed. let's kill those buggers.'
i know. what have i become?
lots of my neighbours have dandelions. two doors down. they have none. they have such a lovely lawn that i find myself driving slowly past so i can drool over it. the other day i walked all the way down in my barefeet to say hello just so i could feel the softness under my toes. at which point i sighed and he looked at me funny. as i left i swore i could see him combing my feet prints away. but it's sooo pretty!
so the plan is: mow the lawn today. broadcast weed and feed at 6:30 when gaffer is in bed, then run the sprinkler. we leave tomorrow morning at 7am and we won't be back until sunday, so it should be safe by then.
please don't hate me.
planted many more gazanias ( i love saying that word out loud), two lovely clematis, more pansies (i'm addicted) and i ripped the hideous green fake carpet off our front porch. that was satisfying. except it's unbelievable hideous under the hideous green fake carpet. am going to hide when hubby comes home.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
what was she thinking?
so i pull up to the gym and it's about 9am, so there are many many many parking spaces available. especially since the gym is in a grocery store. i always park by the cart area so that i can open the gaffer's door all the way without anyone parking too close. so i'm quite far from the entrance, but i don't mind. i turn off the car and start packing things into my bag, water bottle, keys, sunglasses, wallet etc, all things that come out of your bag as you drive with a 2 year old. so then i open my door, then realize that i need to leave the windows down for the dog. (she refuses to let me go anywhere without her) so i put the key back in the ignition, turn it on, bring down the windows and then start to load up. i get out of the car and as i close my door, i notice a car waiting to park right beside me. and she's not happy. how long has she been waiting? i have no idea. so i wave and say 'sorry!' and she scowls at me and then pulls in right beside me. so i wave at the parking lot and say, there are other places to park! and i start to laugh because it's all so silly. she gets out of her car and stomps off into the store. so i grab the gaffer and go in. as we enter i notice she's hanging out at the cherries area. she's buying cherries. so that tells you what kind of woman she is. she buys 6.99$ per pound cherries. fair enough. i laugh and go work out.
when i'm done i go to the car to get my greenbox to buy groceries. her car is gone. but there is a lovely little swear word written into the dust on the back of my car....
coincidence?
i'm sure her day is made now that she got back at me...
when i'm done i go to the car to get my greenbox to buy groceries. her car is gone. but there is a lovely little swear word written into the dust on the back of my car....
coincidence?
i'm sure her day is made now that she got back at me...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
time to go away...
far far away.
am i the only one who feels like they are going to have a spaz attack every two months? i mean, ever since i did inSPIRE (meeting with women at church), i need to go away...far away.
i don't like it when i get this way. i don't like that i get crabby, cantankerous, frustrated, sad, defeated....i don't mean to. it just happens. and now i know that it's time to go away.
i'm supposed to go to vermont this weekend for some disaster relief training. and i don't even want to go! what is wrong with me??? although i spoke to a friend about it today and she said, you don't have to want to go. just go. that's good enough. so it'll do.
i need to go soon...
am i the only one who feels like they are going to have a spaz attack every two months? i mean, ever since i did inSPIRE (meeting with women at church), i need to go away...far away.
i don't like it when i get this way. i don't like that i get crabby, cantankerous, frustrated, sad, defeated....i don't mean to. it just happens. and now i know that it's time to go away.
i'm supposed to go to vermont this weekend for some disaster relief training. and i don't even want to go! what is wrong with me??? although i spoke to a friend about it today and she said, you don't have to want to go. just go. that's good enough. so it'll do.
i need to go soon...
Saturday, May 19, 2007
ok that was cool...
woke up bright and early at 5am this morning to get ready for the race. managed to get there for 7 to run into B. Very cool.
so we prepped, we froze on the way to the pool and then the nerves kicked in. but i was ok. held it together, only went to the bathroom once.
got in line for the swim race, and we were off! i told myself i would not stop, nor would i stop doing the front crawl. 3/4 of the way through i had to breathe every second stroke, but i did not stop.
ran out of pool to find B and rock star hubby ahead of me. we all encouraged each other as we got dressed, and there was almost a moment where B and i started to have a conversation, but she managed to take off.
ran up the hill.
yuck.
but didn't walk.
got to the bike watch B take off and climbed on best i could.
that was hard.
downhill, uphill, downhill, could my hands be any colder?
after what seemed to be eternity, caught up to B and passed her. (?)
as we docked our bikes and removed our safety gear i got to watch B eat yucky power gel and then throw it up. that was a treat. then she was drinking water, so i left. and then she caught up to me and just as we hit the road, aaaaaarrrggghhhhh leg cramp!!!! seizing of calf muscles!!! so B stops with me and is like 'are you ok? do i have to carry you?' and i told her to go. so i limped behind her for the remainder.
was quite funny near finish line as man with megaphone was saying 'all right runners, to the finish line' and as i looked around me, there weren't any other runners. so i laughed and showed off a little to make the crowd laugh because that's what i do.
b beat me by 20 seconds. attagirl!!!
beat my time last year by 7 minutes.
am pleased.
but couldn't sleep when i got home. so i gardened from 12:30-3, then hubby took me on date to nursery (oh you shouldn't have!) and gardened from 3:45-5pm. now i wait for gaffer to come home and hug me tightly and tell me he loves me.
a good day in all.
so we prepped, we froze on the way to the pool and then the nerves kicked in. but i was ok. held it together, only went to the bathroom once.
got in line for the swim race, and we were off! i told myself i would not stop, nor would i stop doing the front crawl. 3/4 of the way through i had to breathe every second stroke, but i did not stop.
ran out of pool to find B and rock star hubby ahead of me. we all encouraged each other as we got dressed, and there was almost a moment where B and i started to have a conversation, but she managed to take off.
ran up the hill.
yuck.
but didn't walk.
got to the bike watch B take off and climbed on best i could.
that was hard.
downhill, uphill, downhill, could my hands be any colder?
after what seemed to be eternity, caught up to B and passed her. (?)
as we docked our bikes and removed our safety gear i got to watch B eat yucky power gel and then throw it up. that was a treat. then she was drinking water, so i left. and then she caught up to me and just as we hit the road, aaaaaarrrggghhhhh leg cramp!!!! seizing of calf muscles!!! so B stops with me and is like 'are you ok? do i have to carry you?' and i told her to go. so i limped behind her for the remainder.
was quite funny near finish line as man with megaphone was saying 'all right runners, to the finish line' and as i looked around me, there weren't any other runners. so i laughed and showed off a little to make the crowd laugh because that's what i do.
b beat me by 20 seconds. attagirl!!!
beat my time last year by 7 minutes.
am pleased.
but couldn't sleep when i got home. so i gardened from 12:30-3, then hubby took me on date to nursery (oh you shouldn't have!) and gardened from 3:45-5pm. now i wait for gaffer to come home and hug me tightly and tell me he loves me.
a good day in all.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
decisions decisions
friend Sy gave me 'the Dream Giver.' and i've read most of it. huh....
well, i already know what my dream is. i want to write. i want to publish. i want to change the world with my writing. i'm happiest writing. i'm happiest when someone says, wow that was really good. and i already know it was good. i know i'm good. but...
the book asked the question: what are you willing to sacrifice?
nothing.
i'm not willing to sacrifice anything.
it would mean so much more to me to be there for my family. to see dan and jackson's dreams come true. to help other people achieve their dreams. i'm not willing to sacrifice time with my family to be selfish and do what i love to do.
why doesn't that sound right?
rockstar hubby told me that i needed to make it happen. that what if just one person read what i wrote and it changed their lives? but how can i possibly justify my away time from my family that i've devoted my time to?
my mind is whirling in insane circles and i don't know what to do.
but my heart aches at the idea of not writing.
so now what?
(i'm not asking a question, i'm just leaving it open to the universe)
well, i already know what my dream is. i want to write. i want to publish. i want to change the world with my writing. i'm happiest writing. i'm happiest when someone says, wow that was really good. and i already know it was good. i know i'm good. but...
the book asked the question: what are you willing to sacrifice?
nothing.
i'm not willing to sacrifice anything.
it would mean so much more to me to be there for my family. to see dan and jackson's dreams come true. to help other people achieve their dreams. i'm not willing to sacrifice time with my family to be selfish and do what i love to do.
why doesn't that sound right?
rockstar hubby told me that i needed to make it happen. that what if just one person read what i wrote and it changed their lives? but how can i possibly justify my away time from my family that i've devoted my time to?
my mind is whirling in insane circles and i don't know what to do.
but my heart aches at the idea of not writing.
so now what?
(i'm not asking a question, i'm just leaving it open to the universe)
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
weird
feel weird.
met with friend this morning then went to bookstore. actually, turned away from bookstore to come home to do writing. had a bath instead, then laid down. am barely awake and feel weird. feel thick. feel heavy. strange. had weird disturbing dreams. feel crampy. oh dear. hope am not sick.
debating whether to go get a latte.
gonna go.
met with friend this morning then went to bookstore. actually, turned away from bookstore to come home to do writing. had a bath instead, then laid down. am barely awake and feel weird. feel thick. feel heavy. strange. had weird disturbing dreams. feel crampy. oh dear. hope am not sick.
debating whether to go get a latte.
gonna go.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Just thinking of Marti
ONE HEADLIGHT
By: The Wallflowers
So long ago I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
They say she died easy of a brokenheart disease
As I listen through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
I've long broken all of human law
Now it always seemed like such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered, why she hung around this place
Chorus:
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be somethin' better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed.
And I seen the sign up ahead
At the county-line bridge
Saying all is good and nothingness is dead
Running til she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothing left.
She hit the end
It's just her window ledge
Repeat Chorus
This place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn
With smells of cheap old wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes, I'd think I'd like to watch it burn.
Now I sit alone
And I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between
These city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me
Hey, hey, hey-
A long time ago, in University, I fell in love with two men. One was a wall at the climbing gym, and the other was Marti. Marti also loved to climb. The fact that he climbed was one of the reasons I loved him. I started up rock climbing the summer before University and I fell hard. I loved the way my little fingers could pull my entire body weight up. I loved the way my legs would cry in agony as I would stretch them beyond their capability to reach even higher. I even loved the ways my poor feet would be stuffed into little shoes so that I could grasp a smaller rock on the wall. So in the fall, my friend A and I joined the Thunder Bay rock climbing gym. We were lucky to have two afternoons off a week, so in between studying 51 different blocks of wood and memorizing the latin names of tree twigs, we'd go for a few hours and really push ourselves to pain and sweat. It was awesome. And then I met Marti. Marti was in my class, but I never gave him much thought. He was quiet, had blond hair and deep brown eyes. Pretty normal looking. But then I saw him climb. I fell hard. He was amazing. He could redpoint a 5.11 without breaking a sweat. (redpoint is acing a climb without missing a rock and falling. the numbers explain the level of difficulty. the higher the number, the smaller the rocks, the further the stretch and the trickier the climb. i've done a 5.10 once.) He was so beautiful to watch. So graceful, so confident. And he'd always laugh this goofy laugh once he got to the top. I knew he was too shy, so I did the bad thing, the wrong thing, and I wooed him. It worked. We started dating. It was great. He actually held doors open for me and paid for my dinners out. Very unlike a university student. I had dated many guys who would maybe buy me a beer, maybe buy me a sub on the way home from the pub. Never actually going on dates. But Marti was different. In February, a few of his roomates/friends decided to go camping. In Nipigon. On a mountain. In February. I'd never been camping before and I was dying to go. So I went. I got to sit in the front seat passenger side because he was driving and I was the girlfriend. On the way up, during our one hour drive, this song came on and Marti sang it very loudly. He said he loved it. He sang very badly. But it was sweet. We had an awesome time camping. I was frozen the entire time. I barely slept because Marti's dog kept lying on me. It was a time of sweating in the sleeping bag and then kicking off the blankets and then freezing. I drank badly made chinese noodles broth soup the whole time which ended up ruining the flavours in my nalgene so my water tasted funny. R managed to burn his boots because he put them too close to the fire. The view was amazing. But we had to walk around on our hands and knees because the snow was so deep you'd sink to your waist. My knees hurt, my hands and toes were frozen, but I was happy.
Martin and I stayed together until the summer. I moved back home to do landscaping and he stayed for awhile in town. We called each other a few times, but he decided he just didn't want to get together anymore. That he was too busy for a girlfriend. I was stunned and hurt. Very hurt. He told me that I wasn't a good girlfriend to have. I was too bad. I was stunned. We stopped talking.
In August, I went rock climbing with A in Ottawa. And Marti just happened to be there. I didn't want to see him at all. But he asked us to belay him so he could climb and we did. He said he was on his way out west to go rock climbing with his best friend Baron before he returned to school. We said good-bye.
A week later A called me on the phone and told me to listen to the radio. I turned it on. Two climbers died while out west. It was Marti and Baron.
I found out that it was a weird climb. They were both tied in really well, and that it was only a 5.7. (He could do those in his sleep) But while they were up so high, the piton came out of the rock and Marti fell, Baron falling behind him. They both landed in mid-air and their spines snapped. The rescuers say they died immediately, but I still wonder.
I didn't go to the funeral. I probably should have, but I couldn't handle it. I was still too hurt and I knew that his friends knew why he dumped me but they wouldn't tell me why. I couldn't face them and I couldn't face his parents, who probably thought I wasn't good enough either.
But I did let it go.
I'm not necessarily sad, but sometimes when that song comes on, the lyrics have such a different meaning. And I think of Marti and the fun we did have.
And how he got home with just one headlight on.
By: The Wallflowers
So long ago I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
They say she died easy of a brokenheart disease
As I listen through the cemetery trees
I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
I've long broken all of human law
Now it always seemed like such a waste
She always had a pretty face
I wondered, why she hung around this place
Chorus:
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be somethin' better than
In the middle
But me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed.
And I seen the sign up ahead
At the county-line bridge
Saying all is good and nothingness is dead
Running til she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothing left.
She hit the end
It's just her window ledge
Repeat Chorus
This place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn
With smells of cheap old wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes, I'd think I'd like to watch it burn.
Now I sit alone
And I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between
These city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me
Hey, hey, hey-
A long time ago, in University, I fell in love with two men. One was a wall at the climbing gym, and the other was Marti. Marti also loved to climb. The fact that he climbed was one of the reasons I loved him. I started up rock climbing the summer before University and I fell hard. I loved the way my little fingers could pull my entire body weight up. I loved the way my legs would cry in agony as I would stretch them beyond their capability to reach even higher. I even loved the ways my poor feet would be stuffed into little shoes so that I could grasp a smaller rock on the wall. So in the fall, my friend A and I joined the Thunder Bay rock climbing gym. We were lucky to have two afternoons off a week, so in between studying 51 different blocks of wood and memorizing the latin names of tree twigs, we'd go for a few hours and really push ourselves to pain and sweat. It was awesome. And then I met Marti. Marti was in my class, but I never gave him much thought. He was quiet, had blond hair and deep brown eyes. Pretty normal looking. But then I saw him climb. I fell hard. He was amazing. He could redpoint a 5.11 without breaking a sweat. (redpoint is acing a climb without missing a rock and falling. the numbers explain the level of difficulty. the higher the number, the smaller the rocks, the further the stretch and the trickier the climb. i've done a 5.10 once.) He was so beautiful to watch. So graceful, so confident. And he'd always laugh this goofy laugh once he got to the top. I knew he was too shy, so I did the bad thing, the wrong thing, and I wooed him. It worked. We started dating. It was great. He actually held doors open for me and paid for my dinners out. Very unlike a university student. I had dated many guys who would maybe buy me a beer, maybe buy me a sub on the way home from the pub. Never actually going on dates. But Marti was different. In February, a few of his roomates/friends decided to go camping. In Nipigon. On a mountain. In February. I'd never been camping before and I was dying to go. So I went. I got to sit in the front seat passenger side because he was driving and I was the girlfriend. On the way up, during our one hour drive, this song came on and Marti sang it very loudly. He said he loved it. He sang very badly. But it was sweet. We had an awesome time camping. I was frozen the entire time. I barely slept because Marti's dog kept lying on me. It was a time of sweating in the sleeping bag and then kicking off the blankets and then freezing. I drank badly made chinese noodles broth soup the whole time which ended up ruining the flavours in my nalgene so my water tasted funny. R managed to burn his boots because he put them too close to the fire. The view was amazing. But we had to walk around on our hands and knees because the snow was so deep you'd sink to your waist. My knees hurt, my hands and toes were frozen, but I was happy.
Martin and I stayed together until the summer. I moved back home to do landscaping and he stayed for awhile in town. We called each other a few times, but he decided he just didn't want to get together anymore. That he was too busy for a girlfriend. I was stunned and hurt. Very hurt. He told me that I wasn't a good girlfriend to have. I was too bad. I was stunned. We stopped talking.
In August, I went rock climbing with A in Ottawa. And Marti just happened to be there. I didn't want to see him at all. But he asked us to belay him so he could climb and we did. He said he was on his way out west to go rock climbing with his best friend Baron before he returned to school. We said good-bye.
A week later A called me on the phone and told me to listen to the radio. I turned it on. Two climbers died while out west. It was Marti and Baron.
I found out that it was a weird climb. They were both tied in really well, and that it was only a 5.7. (He could do those in his sleep) But while they were up so high, the piton came out of the rock and Marti fell, Baron falling behind him. They both landed in mid-air and their spines snapped. The rescuers say they died immediately, but I still wonder.
I didn't go to the funeral. I probably should have, but I couldn't handle it. I was still too hurt and I knew that his friends knew why he dumped me but they wouldn't tell me why. I couldn't face them and I couldn't face his parents, who probably thought I wasn't good enough either.
But I did let it go.
I'm not necessarily sad, but sometimes when that song comes on, the lyrics have such a different meaning. And I think of Marti and the fun we did have.
And how he got home with just one headlight on.
Monday, May 14, 2007
cats
i normally like cats.
i've owned cats.
we owned a white calico that we got from my brother, and her name was 'Fish'. She was awesome. Except she crapped on the couch. So we let her go outside. She got hit by a car.
we owned a gray kitten we named Boscoe. We assumed he was from new jersey. he loved our black dog. they played all the time. then he crapped on the couch. so we let him go outside. he got hit by a car.
then we got a striped tabby from the vet. he lasted a day. he crapped on the couch. he went back.
then we got a pure black cat with long hair. named him 'cosmic creepers' like the cat from 'bedknobs and broomsticks'. he didn't crap on the couch. but he peed on the dog's bed all the time. we gave him away.
there's a gray fat tabby in our neighbourhood. doesn't belong to anyone. the neighbours two doors down feed him. he's vicious. he attacks my dog. my dog being a worry-wart doesn't like that too much. today he attacked her leg and she limped for awhile. he craps in my yard. in my garden. in my vegetable garden.
i wish a car would hit him.
will be borrowing a trap to catch him.
i don't like cats anymore.
i've owned cats.
we owned a white calico that we got from my brother, and her name was 'Fish'. She was awesome. Except she crapped on the couch. So we let her go outside. She got hit by a car.
we owned a gray kitten we named Boscoe. We assumed he was from new jersey. he loved our black dog. they played all the time. then he crapped on the couch. so we let him go outside. he got hit by a car.
then we got a striped tabby from the vet. he lasted a day. he crapped on the couch. he went back.
then we got a pure black cat with long hair. named him 'cosmic creepers' like the cat from 'bedknobs and broomsticks'. he didn't crap on the couch. but he peed on the dog's bed all the time. we gave him away.
there's a gray fat tabby in our neighbourhood. doesn't belong to anyone. the neighbours two doors down feed him. he's vicious. he attacks my dog. my dog being a worry-wart doesn't like that too much. today he attacked her leg and she limped for awhile. he craps in my yard. in my garden. in my vegetable garden.
i wish a car would hit him.
will be borrowing a trap to catch him.
i don't like cats anymore.
Friday, May 11, 2007
the garden goddess is back
oh my. where to start?
i've discovered more in my lawn...a white viola with purple dots, a purple viola with yellow petals, a white viola, asters, chrysanthemums, more echinacea, centaurea, and a new phlox.
i just spent 3 hours on my hands and knees, digging up dandelions and carefully cutting the grass with hand shears around my beloved lawn perennials so that when rockstar hubby mows the lawn, he won't come near them. i have a blue recycling box full of dandelions. and no, they all did not come out with their long taproot. i will suffer later i suspect. but it's so beautiful. looking across the green lawn with purple and yellow and white and pink...so worth the sore shoulders and aching abs. (perhaps i found a new workout regime?)
had an awesome time with the LORD this morning. 3 hours of devotions and encouragement.
still have to clean the house for tomorrow. oops. but at least upstairs doesn't have to be done as no one is allowed upstairs lest wake the sleeping babe.
clean underwear...hmmmm...guess i'll have to do laundry tonight. perhaps hubby has an extra pair?
i've discovered more in my lawn...a white viola with purple dots, a purple viola with yellow petals, a white viola, asters, chrysanthemums, more echinacea, centaurea, and a new phlox.
i just spent 3 hours on my hands and knees, digging up dandelions and carefully cutting the grass with hand shears around my beloved lawn perennials so that when rockstar hubby mows the lawn, he won't come near them. i have a blue recycling box full of dandelions. and no, they all did not come out with their long taproot. i will suffer later i suspect. but it's so beautiful. looking across the green lawn with purple and yellow and white and pink...so worth the sore shoulders and aching abs. (perhaps i found a new workout regime?)
had an awesome time with the LORD this morning. 3 hours of devotions and encouragement.
still have to clean the house for tomorrow. oops. but at least upstairs doesn't have to be done as no one is allowed upstairs lest wake the sleeping babe.
clean underwear...hmmmm...guess i'll have to do laundry tonight. perhaps hubby has an extra pair?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
crabby crabby crabby
yah, so this morning was ok. went to the gym, did some weights. bought some groceries, which always makes me happy. came home. had a quick nap. woke up and cleaned a little. went to puddle park with gaffer and dog. came home. tried gardening....and then i fell apart. i'm tired of gardening.
gasp.
i know. me. garden queen.
i think i'm pre-menstrual.
i've ordered pizza, doritos, chocolate and booze for tonight's csi and grey's anatomy. along with a back rub.
i'm glad tomorrow is a day off to spend a lot of time with God so i can recharge. and then clean the house.
crabby crabby crabby.
maybe i'll eat some blue cheese.
gasp.
i know. me. garden queen.
i think i'm pre-menstrual.
i've ordered pizza, doritos, chocolate and booze for tonight's csi and grey's anatomy. along with a back rub.
i'm glad tomorrow is a day off to spend a lot of time with God so i can recharge. and then clean the house.
crabby crabby crabby.
maybe i'll eat some blue cheese.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
ah..
ah, the lovely sting on the shoulders from not having remembered to put sunscreen on as you are outside gardening, with your back to the sun from 11-3pm. of course it didn't hurt until i had my cleansing shower with loofah. oh my. i'm feeling warm tonight.
so i just spent 25$ in Canadian Tire money at C.T (i've been saving all winter you know), and purchased some hot pink celosia (this year's favourite for me), some pink and blue trailing lobelia and some portulaca. oh and two rue plants to keep those bloody cats out of my veggie boxes. little buggers. and my sitter gave me 5 large clumps of hosta bulbs to pull apart (now that was fun) and plant throughout. my gardens spoke to me of their lovely plants, revealing what was coming up as i had no idea. tall phlox. hostas. lunaria. astilbe. dicentra. oh you lovely lovelies.
i have gone a little crazy, and put up some gorgeous wire pot holders that i wrote about yesterday. then i hung a brass pot in my lilac tree. along with some shiny mirrors. and a faerie. and some faeries in the garden. and more pots along the wall. it's so pretty. i'm going to hang faery lights along the fence so our party saturday night will be beautiful. and we can turn them on at night when we feel like it. and i shall also this week, string up some of my chandelier crystals and hang them on the fence as well and in the trees so that they will sparkle and shine, beckoning birds and lovely butterflies to come and dine in my garden. i thought the front yard would be my favourite, but given that i've spent so much time out back, it's so much more private and less chance of anyone stealing anything...i'm in love.
now just to fix a few loose boards, paint the garden bench purple and move the cedar logs out of the way i'll be all set to host many parties....
Monday, May 7, 2007
the garden that gives back...
ok, so i've been pretty pleased so far with the results of my labours. i've moved some cerastium from the lawn into the gardens. i've raked vigorously and seeded my lawn. i've discovered my sprinkler deep in the shed. i've unboxed a whole bunch of pots and hanging pots to display everywhere. i totally scored at a garage sale, buying beautiful iron-wrought (rought? rot?)plant holders. i've put half of them up.
today i discovered more joys. my gardens are actually not that full of plants. but as i looked carefully for dandelions (like they're that hard to find. i must have a gold mine field out there) i discovered more perennials, growing in my lawn! i found statice, i found daisies, i found gaillardia, i found echinacea, i found more cerastium, i found tons and tons of viola. my lawn alternates in yellow and purple. i think the older lady who moved, took some of her plants with her because i have large holes in my gardens. but the lawn took their seeds and have developed beautiful plants for me to transplant! could i be more happy! they're free! so you can imagine my joy at these many many free perennials. and no, you can't have any.
have planted the peas, peas and two beans yesterday. have seed planted the leek, some herbs, radishes, celery, and others i can't remember.
am very happy.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
someone, a very old friend of mine from university, invited me to be her friend on facebook last week. monday i think. and so i signed up. and facebook asked me to check and see who from my high school was on facebook. so i did. and then i asked my lovely lady friends from church to sign up for facebook. is it me, or did it just take off? next thing i know, everyone is on it. and it's cool. i am now talking to this friend again, and now we have something in common again because she has a one year old.
but i managed to get in touch with another very old friend that i haven't seen in 6 years. and she's been sick. she just had her last radiation for breast cancer. at 34 years old! and because of facebook, i'm having coffee with her at my favourite shop on wednesday.
a very very old friend from high school tracked me down. and we had the kind of female relationship where immediately you discuss your most inner thoughts and pain and dreams. nothing shallow. just an immediate bond that is so rare in life and when you get it, you're so lucky. and she found me. and i can't wait to hear more from her.
another friend of mine is very creative and it turns out she has her own jewellery line and is brilliant! she won the ottawa fusion award. i'm so proud of her. we used to work together at the mall and we had lunch together. she was always so put together and so beautiful, and yet she was so goofy she'd have you laughing all the time.
another friend who i haven't seen in over a year because he has his own family to take care of. busy guy. but we've been friends since i was 16! it was wonderful to find him to.
it's funny how people come back into your life when you're older, more mature, and really really cherish your friendships more. i can't wait to see where this goes.
try it out.
but i managed to get in touch with another very old friend that i haven't seen in 6 years. and she's been sick. she just had her last radiation for breast cancer. at 34 years old! and because of facebook, i'm having coffee with her at my favourite shop on wednesday.
a very very old friend from high school tracked me down. and we had the kind of female relationship where immediately you discuss your most inner thoughts and pain and dreams. nothing shallow. just an immediate bond that is so rare in life and when you get it, you're so lucky. and she found me. and i can't wait to hear more from her.
another friend of mine is very creative and it turns out she has her own jewellery line and is brilliant! she won the ottawa fusion award. i'm so proud of her. we used to work together at the mall and we had lunch together. she was always so put together and so beautiful, and yet she was so goofy she'd have you laughing all the time.
another friend who i haven't seen in over a year because he has his own family to take care of. busy guy. but we've been friends since i was 16! it was wonderful to find him to.
it's funny how people come back into your life when you're older, more mature, and really really cherish your friendships more. i can't wait to see where this goes.
try it out.
Friday, May 4, 2007
my new fascination with blue cheese
yah, i know it's weird. i bought blue cheese last week, just to try it out. i opened the sticky cellophane and inhaled. it was disgusting. so i put a piece on a cracker. ok, that's pretty good. and then i went nuts. on apples, on toast, on fresh hot rye bread, on hot naan bread....i'm hooked.
i bought another today.
how do i manage being lactose intolerant?
it's worth it baby.
i bought another today.
how do i manage being lactose intolerant?
it's worth it baby.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
now i feel special...
ok, i got a blog for today.
i feel like a t.v. housewife now.
doorbell rang and a hunky college kid offered to aerate my lawn for 20$. money is split between a bunch of them for college (yah right). and immediately in my head i thought of all those cheesy shows where the wife answers and then goes outside in her bathing suit and drinks pina coladas and watches. and then i laughed. poor kid thought i was laughing at him. so i ran upstairs, counted my quarters (not very posh i'm sure) and handed them to him in a double bound ziploc baggy, as i did not have a paper bag.
but he did a good job!
no, i didn't watch.
i feel like a t.v. housewife now.
doorbell rang and a hunky college kid offered to aerate my lawn for 20$. money is split between a bunch of them for college (yah right). and immediately in my head i thought of all those cheesy shows where the wife answers and then goes outside in her bathing suit and drinks pina coladas and watches. and then i laughed. poor kid thought i was laughing at him. so i ran upstairs, counted my quarters (not very posh i'm sure) and handed them to him in a double bound ziploc baggy, as i did not have a paper bag.
but he did a good job!
no, i didn't watch.
cheating
No blog. just a poem i wrote last fall.
A Glimpse Of The Wilderness
I saw the two of them
It seems on a first date.
They both had their coffee
And the weren’t quite looking at each other
But they kept trying to outdo each other
With their stories
Their hand actions getting bigger and bigger
And they kept interrupting each other
Not really listening at all.
I think they caught a glimpse
Of the wilderness beyond
And would rather stare out the window
With their arms flailing
Then to try living alone.
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