reflections

so i took the gaffer to the sitter's again today, then relished teaching the girls how to skip 'double dutch'. alas i was terrible and since having the gaffer, i just can't skip that fast anymore without holding myself from peeing. so i tried to teach them the skipping game D.I.S.H. i tried very hard to remember and it didn't help that the skipping ropes were not long enough, but i'm tempted to go buy some and show them how it's done so that they will be the 'cool girls' at school. was even funnier when gaffer wanted to hold the skipping rope and spin it around. having a 30 month old say 'ok, jump mommy' when he's whipping around the snake is just too much.

went to chapter's again. sat with the latte. talked to God. He said a little bit. then my friend Zee called to tell me about a dream she had. apparently i was married to justin timberlake (sooo not my type) and that we were looking outside a huge window into a field and there were hundreds of hot air balloons starting to rise up. she said it was beautiful. i can just imagine it. i wish i could capture it. then a gigantic bull was threatening us and then he went away...strange.

so i tried writing. my exercise told me to write about a conversation someone was having. so having to eavesdrop, i listened as a couple talked. from what i gather, they were sister and brother, but older. and they didn't have much to say to each other. it was almost like their time together was forced. and it made me miss my brother a lot. i haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks. he won't talk to us. he's getting a separation from his wife of 3 years. he's changed so much.

i remember spending so much time with him. i remember his stubborn attitude, how he would laugh when mom would discipline him. i remember teaching him how to punch, because he didn't know how. i remember beating up a 6th grader who tripped him. i remember spitting in some one's face in high school because they made fun of him. i remember punching a 13th grader in the face because he made fun of him. scrappy. but he never fought. he preferred passivity. tolerance. i don't know what to make of his marriage. dare i say it aloud? she made me uncomfortable. something wasn't right about her. i watched my brother's affections and passion deteriorate. just a rock. that played game boy all the time. it breaks my heart how he's given up. and i hate that a small part of me is glad she's gone. but God honours marriage. something will happen. i had a dream that they were back together. and they were happy. i wish he would just understand that marriage is a choice. love is a choice. not a feeling. we choose to stay with our spouse. we choose to forgive them daily. God forgives us, why can we not extend the grace given to us?

where am i not forgiving?