a moment of reflection

from 1989.
that would have made me 17 I believe. Wow. time flies. regardless...

metallica had a new single out, 'Enter Sandman'. given the rocker chick that i was, i took to playing it loudly in my father's van wherever i went, along with Zeppelin, Cream and Toronto.

i had a crush on a 16 year old (i know!), who had gorgeous long curly hair and played the guitar. (i know!) he was to play at the local boys and girls club not far from my house on friday night with a makeshift band.

i was very excited to go. i grabbed some friends, rocked out in the van, and went.

halfway through the interesting performances (not bad for 16-17 year olds i thought) the lead singer managed to lose his voice. (possibly due to the amount of cigarettes he consummed on a daily basis?) everyone was in a panic. what to do? they had the venue until 11pm and it was only 9:30!

would i, could i, possibly sing for them? are you crazy??? i can't carry a tune! but they were desperate.
i went up.
i took the mike and smiled my little sexy 17 year old rocker chick smile. and the chords began. 'enter sandman'.

i could hear the bass thumping behind me, they had the chords perfect and it was now my intro. i opened my mouth...

nothing came out. i forgot ALL of the words. i kept looking behind me at the band, at this cute boy i was so fond of with fear and embarassment. he mouthed the words to me and i sang.

a loud, gutteral song came out of my throat and i sang my heart out. i even did a little head banging. and then it was over.

my moment of glory.

i wasn't asked to sing again.

I did it!

with the many sleepings i've been doing lately, trying to get better, i attempted to complete my 'mirrors' chapter without much success. i ranted, i raved, i whined. i even called B to complain but she would have none of it. so i sat down and did it. and i did it. and it's fabulous. and i think it works....
that's all.

i wonder if....

i'm sad to say i don't feel better, i actually feel worse.
and i'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fall i had. i mean, my body was completely jarred. i was tense for days, and in pain. i wonder if my body fighting that, was unable to fight this. i have never been this sick before. i've had colds and i've had the flu, but nothing this painful. nothing where there is absolutely no change. i take such good care of myself. and this happens...i wonder if it had anything to do with it.

maybe i need a week somewhere sunny and beachy....

happy thoughts

i feel like i've been blog complaining lately, and that can't be a good thing. so instead of complaining about how the gaffer is very sick with a cold that sounds like croup (but we're told it isn't) and how rockstar hubby has a cold, and that i now have a cold that involves convulsive coughing racking my chest and head, i will write about pleasant things instead.

i had a great 3 hour nap this morning. the gaffer was up every two hours last night because he couldn't breathe, but i had a great nap. i get to go to bed at 6 tonight with nyquil, so i'm looking forward to that.
the house is quiet at the moment and i have a small bit of chocolate beside me as i half-lie in bed with my laptop on my lap, debating working on my book or watching antm. antm just might win as then i will not have to do anything involving thinking.

uh...it's a lot of fun to be able to stare at the fan over my bed and not be able to think of anything. it's rather entertaining actually. am i in a drugged induced state? no, ibprophen does nothing for me. sometimes i look at the fan and debate painting it because it is so gosh darn ugly, but today, it's just a fan. a fan with dust that i have no will to clean.
i had some chicken noodle soup and i am sweating nicely. i like sweating when i'm sick. it makes me feel like i'm getting better. the humidifier is going, but it's old so it whines exactly like children screaming at the playground. i have not turned on my fan because i need to listen for the gaffer.
i like how rockstar hubby's firefighter blanket hanging over the window causes the room to be dark. it's 2pm and it's pitch black in the room.
i can't wait to get better. then i can write and exercise and debate cleaning again.
i am in a content state...or maybe it's the hypnosis of the fan..

post #153

huh. that's a lot. ok, here goes.

gaffer got sick. the runny poop sick. that was fun. he seemed ok yesterday, but this morning wasn't great. so now i wonder...do i take him to the store and take a chance that he won't go or that i will actually make it to the upstairs washroom carrying him, running as fast as i can? sigh.
me: well, my body has healed from my fall. and that's good. but i'm tired. what else is new. and it's that lovely time of the month again. that's lovely too.
car: fixed. a lot of garbage to deal with at the shop and i have a lovely new smell in my car - paint. can't get rid of it. my jacket smells like paint, my phone, my mittens...all because they thoughtfully left a container of touch up paint on my steering wheel in a bag. i threw it in the back seat. how was i to know that it wasn't sealed properly? i'm not thrilled.
rockstar hubby: got to work overtime last night at the firehall, which is brilliant for double time, but i had to miss the women's valentine's tea at the church. i was to dress up like cupid and hand out hershey kisses and hang out with Christian women. no such luck.

then there's some lovely garbage going on within my family (not rsh and gaffer) and my stress levels are high. too high. high enough for me to become apathetic. or numb. or whatever. i'm trusting. i'm resting. i just want to sleep it away.

i did order my seeds though. i've narrowed it down to 11 types of tomatoes (that was hard!), 4 types of beans, a cucumber, herbs, pumpkins for the gaffer who seems to think they taste really good, a cherry pepper, a lot of greens. and edamame beans. now i wait to plant. have to use up my canadian tire money to get my jiffy 7's and some containers.

trust. trust. trust.

warning: crabby crab on the loose

sigh.
crabby crab crab.

on saturday i slipped on some ice and landed with the edge of the porch in my back and my forearms. it hurt. the next day i couldn't move much because i was in pain. my neck muscles, my sternum (whiplash), my hips, my shoulders, my head.
i'm pleased to say rockstar hubby stayed home with me to mind gaffer and explain the rules of the superbowl. it was nice.
i was sore and slow moving yesterday and after a trip to the chiro, i discovered an awful headache. so awful i yelled at gaffer to be quiet while he was in bed. last night was better.
but then i read a teen story about a girl whose mom is an alcoholic. sad. thankfully it ended well, but i couldn't sleep all night.
today? i was supposed to work onmy book. but i'm not funny today. at all. i've got a case of pms and it's ugly. i begged rockstar hubby to pick up tortilla chips, guacamole and salsa for tonight's pig out. it has to be better than chips right?
and i can't work out! i'm too slow! too tired (what's with the exhaustion?) and too crabby.
but i'm taking three lovely girls to the hershey factory so B can edit my unfunny book today. i'll try not to devour the shop.
tonight? nothing but quiet. maybe i'll just eat and flip my three channels.

crabby crab crab.

where's my humour gone?

my poor car

is broken.
poor thing.
nothing engine wise.
her door is broken.
the driver's side door is broken.
i didn't break it.
rockstar hubby did.
he thought he'd save time by backing down the driveway with the driver's door open instead of cleaning the snow off the windshield. the door caught in the snowbank and ripped the wrong way.
now i have a huge dent and my door doesn't open or close properly.
my poor car.

now i am without. well, i have rockstar hubby's car, but it's a piece of crap. i mean that in the nicest way. it doesn't have a radio because gaffer shoved coins in the slots of the cd player and it stopped working. the seats aren't heated. it has a dent in the side due to rockstar hubby not paying attention on a different occasion. so now we go find out how much this is going to cost.

concensus says a couple of grand.

we are blessed that we are getting some money from the fd because it's owed to us, but we are only getting a couple of grand and that money was to make up for rockstar hubby not having done any tree jobs. that was supposed to pay some bills. security is gone now.
sigh.
more faith.
more waiting.

i hate waiting.

p.s: no i'm not mad at rockstar hubby. what's the point? i make big goofs all the time.