growth and rest

‘Our personal, heart-breaking failure in every phase of our Christian life is our Father's preparation for His success on our behalf. This negative processing of His, finally brings us into His positive promise of Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." His "good work" in us is begun through failure, and this includes our strongest points, which continues on into His success, by His performance, and not ours. . "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13).
"The Lord is glorified in a people whose heart is set at any cost, by any road, upon the goal which is God himself. A man who is thus minded says, 'By any road!' Here is a very difficult road, a road beset by enemies, but the passionate desire for the goal will hold him steadfast in the way. It is the man who lacks the yearning to know Him that will easily be turned aside. Along that road the Man Christ Jesus has already gone before, and at every point has overcome for us. We have not climb up; we are to be brought through in the train of His triumph. Every enemy has been met; every foe has been overcome; there remains nothing that has not been put potentially beneath His feet, and there remains nothing in this universe that is able to overcome the least child of God who has taken the hand of the Lord.There is great glory to the Lord in a quiet, confident walk in a day of adversity, a day of dread, when things about us are shaking and trembling." --G.P.’
I’m slowly sifting through this book given to me by a mentor. I can’t read it all in one sitting, because it is so much to digest. It blows my mind. The book was given to me as learning to develop my state of rest. As I had read and now understand, one cannot live Romans 6-12, unless he lives/believes Romans 1-5. (which I may expand on another day)
I apologize in advance to anyone reading this as when I’m thinking very hard, I get a bit pompous, using bigger words as I resort back to University and College, writing essay papers and speaking technically to get my facts across. (I’m a very ‘feely’ person, so it’s a change)
It is so easy to say ‘Not my will LORD, but Yours’, and it’s easy to think it, but so hard to live. And the passage above which G.P (can’t recollect who that is, maybe the author?) reminds us that we need to be heart-broken. And not only once. In EVERY phase of our Christian life. And the ‘icky’ part is that it’s so easy to fall back a couple of phases when I should be going forwards. And by the grace of GOD, I am forgiven and so I continue the road. But just those words, ‘heart-breaking failure’. And they aren’t talking about the pity-party failures in which you want something very badly; such as a certain house, a certain job, a certain publishing contract. But heart-breaking as your parents shutting you out again as you speak of the glory of God, of your brother conveniently forgetting that he was ever baptized. Of you having an abused childhood, of being raped in school, or your boyfriend hitting you. Of your spouse leaving you and all you ever were was obedient to God. Of your father committing suicide because he couldn’t handle it. Of your son perishing in a car accident through no fault of anyone. “But I’m obedient! But I’m Yours! But I read my bible, but I pray to You, but, but, but!” we can scream out at the top of our lungs because we are so heart-broken. And there is no rhyme or reason to any of these events happening. GOD can’t/won’t explain why. And He doesn’t have to. And we forget that. I know I forget all the time. If only it could be explained then I would have sanity back in my heart, the nightmares would stop. But there are no answers. Just the same phrases that are so quietly whispered in our hearts. “It is not for you to know”. And that is heart-breaking failure.
And it seems absolutely ridiculous that we will not grow as Christians, we will not get closer to God, we will not learn more of His will unless we have these heart-breaking failures. How do you commercialize that? Hey, become a Christian! Suffer through heart-wrenching pain and trials galore. Chances are you won’t see any fruit from your efforts, but you’ll be rewarded! We must be insane to send ourselves back for more. And it is so easy to give up. I can’t count how many times I’ve told God that I’m giving up. That He’d better start playing my way if He wants me. What a silly girl I am. And what’s even more ludicrous is that even my strongest characteristics: which I know to be compassion, writing, love and loyalty, they are nothing. I can think I’m the strongest person in the world, that I have the biggest heart (I will not be mentioning my faults of ego) I am nothing. My strengths are nothing to God because they aren’t strong enough. They never will be. Nor will He use my strengths. I am able to be compassionate to anyone, unless I can’t be. I am able to write about anything, unless I can’t. I can love anyone, regardless of what they’ve done to me, until I can’t. And I am fiercely loyal, until I’m not. I am knocked down. I cannot get up. I don’t want to get up. But then there is that hunger (which I’ll get back to). So what is it all worth? What is the worth in letting myself be destroyed? What is the worth in having my heart completely shattered, not once, but continually? Besides the obvious of eternal life? Rest.
I’m learning to rest. I’ve talked about it a few times, but I’m going to talk about it again. In a previous blog I wrote about just standing. It’s kind of the same thing. But a little different.
When heart-break comes to you, a few things happen in repercussion. You give up, you become bitter and apathetic, or you grow stronger. Everyone talks about ‘what doesn’t kill me, only makes me stronger’. And it’s true to a point. This strength isn’t your own. If it’s your own strength, then you are relying on your own strength and if you haven’t had your morning coffee, you don’t have any. This strength is apathy. For years I would build up walls to make myself stronger after heart-ache. But those are walls. I stopped caring. And every once in awhile, late at night, that wall would fall a little and I’d be sobbing trying to get those bricks back up. Where is the strength in that?
Giving up isn’t an option. I had almost given up many times in my life. But looking back I see that God didn’t let me. He would not let me. Through circumstance, fear or changing my mind.
Rest is different. ‘There is great glory to the Lord in a quiet, confident walk in a day of adversity, a day of dread, when things about us are shaking and trembling’. I want to be unshakable. I want to be so quiet, so trusting in the Lord that I can handle anything. I’m promised that because God does not give us anything we can’t handle. And do you know why we can handle them? Because He’s there handling it for us. Why should I exert a ridiculous amount of effort into something that He isn’t taking care of? Why am I trying so hard to be someone He doesn’t want me to be? Why am I trying so hard to get pregnant if it’s not time yet? Why bother? This isn’t apathy talking, it’s acceptance. Just let Him do it. Let Him tell me what to do, who to be, who to talk to, where to go. And it’s not laziness because I am waiting. I am resting. I am sitting on a comfy couch eating non-fattening yummy chocolates and drinking lattes with God and the door knocks. He gets up to answer it. ‘Who was that?’ I ask. ‘Evil’ He answers, sitting back down. ‘I sent them away today.’ Oh good I say back. But the next day, I have to answer the door myself. And evil comes in. and while I unknowingly or sinfully let it in, it comes in messing up my house, ripping my clean sheets, plugging up my toilets, killing my precious violets, ripping out every page in my journals and favourite books, emptying my fridge so I have nothing to feed my family, and maybe even burn my house down. God will help me clean it up. I might not have replacement journals or favourite books, but I’ll have new things to write about and read. I might even get 600-thread count sheet sets to replace my ripped ones. Or I’ll have to sleep on crappy polyester for awhile. And maybe the fridge will be empty and I’ve nothing to feed my family, but the neighbours will be by with crock-pots and cakes. And while my house might stink of plugged up poop and sewage for awhile, rockstar hubby will replace the toilets. And I’ll get on my hands and knees and clean it up, even if it’s unwilling and begrudging. But then I’ll get poop on my nose or something and then I’ll laugh. And that night, I’ll have a great sleep. And by that rest, by that trust, by living those beliefs that are instilled in me by God, I’ll show that I am no longer hungry. I am no longer crazed, I am no longer lost, I am no longer hungry. I am full. But here is the important part. Unless my heart is broken, unless my house is destroyed, unless my loved ones are taken from me, there is no rest. There is no sanity, there is no map to show me the way, and I am always hungry. I can do all things through Christ. But only if He wants me to do them.
So now I’ll rest. I pray for more rest. Show me rest.