torn like an ear of corn.

well, it rhymes.

sigh. seed picking. well, not actually picking up seeds, but choosing seeds to plant in my veggie garden.
oh dear.
well, it's not going THAT well. i mean, i have it narrowed down to 15 different types of tomatoes, at 5 tomato plants each, means i have to come up with space for 70 tomato plants. is that too many?
but how can i decide?
grape, chadwicks' cherry, pearly pink, yellow marble, black cherry, striped cavern, green zebra, white wonder, banana legs, striped roman, black prince, brandywine pink (and black), cherokee purple, mrs. maxwell's...
don't even talk to me about beans. i've narrowed it down to green beans. an early, mid and late. and pole. and maybe purple burgundy.
oooh!
and then there's lettuce, spinach, purslane (high in omega-3's), kale, romaine, bok choy...
oh and the mini core carrots, bunching onions, purple cauliflower, and white cucumbers.
oh and lavender, basil, oregano, thyme, tarragon, rosemary, parsley, cilantro.

i'm in trouble.

my poor neurotic dog

my dog is a lab. she hoovers food. she loves bones. i bought her a bone. a pressed bone. she's had pressed bones before. they normally last a few weeks. she ate it in half an hour.
that night, (tuesday) she puked. big chunks of pressed bone on my kitchen floor.
she seemed fine. i fed her half a cup of food. she puked. on my carpet.
she seemed fine. i fed her half a cup of rice at supper. she puked. on my carpet.
that night, she puked again. on my kitchen floor. (thankfully)
yesterday, (thursday) she puked. but i hadn't fed her. i was told by the vet to take away all food and water. she puked last night.
she seems fine.

took her to the vet.
seems she has a piece of bone clogging her digestive tract which means she can't keep down food, or water. she's on laxatives. perfect. we're waiting for her to get 'rid' of the piece of bone.
if it doesn't work. she's going in for x-rays and probably surgery tomorrow.

peachy.

what if?

have found a possible publisher for my book. he wrote in his write up that he's 'looking to be brought to a new place', that 'if it makes me laugh out loud or miss my busstop' that he wants it.
am vibrating with excitement.
but it's too early.
i know there is the writing conference in june and i plan on going. but what if?

he wants the first 5 pages emailed to him.

am furiously fighting the temptation to send him my first 5 pages....not yet. needs another few edits.

still vibrating with excitement.

what if?

pointless ranting about deodorant

yes, you read the title correctly. i have a problem. a sweat problem. and to date it has not been fixed.
i have tried EVERY deodorant/anti-perspirant on the market. every single one. doesn't work.
either i smell and smell like my deodorant, or i just smell. or i don't smell but i'm soaking wet. lately i'm soaking wet. how embarassing. do you know what it's like having to change your shirt a few times a day, or having to wash yourself?

yes, i've even paid the 10$ for secret's 'clinical'. it's clinically crap. you're supposed to put two clicks on at bedtime. two clicks is about 2 oz spread into your armpits. and it's white. and apparently it clogs your pores so you can't sweat. and looking at the amount of aluminum in it, i was paranoid about alzheimers. but i figured it would be worth it. fine. no problem if it works. but i sweat all day. and there was that weird floral smell that came with it. so i figured i'd give it a chance and use it for two weeks. nope. i had one dry day. and i think it's because i had a shower in the middle of the day.
i have a box of deodorant. i used to be able to rotate them. i'd use secret for a month until it stopped working, then dove, then ban, then womens' shick, then degree, then old spice, then gillette, then for awhile secret's chai formula worked for a whole 2 months.
not anymore. i've used spray, gel, stick, roll-on.
i've gone without. and i don't mind the smell of my own stink if it isn't mixed with deodorant stink. but the wet...
if i lived in a climate where i could wear tanktops all the time, i would. then i'd wear baggy armed tank tops and if i needed to stench the flow i would. am i grossing you out? well, you've never been in my shoes.

so now what? i don't know.
i see the doctor in march for a check-up. he must think i'm nuts. i am so high-maintenance. and i hate it. i think i've blogged about it before. why can't i be normal and able to eat anything, do anything, wear anything?...rant rant rant. i guess for now i'll just not wear any, and wash myself twice a day. what a fun life.

now i get it.

i know why women of a certain age (a-hem) wear dresses all the time.

so i go shopping yesterday, at sally anne of course, looking for pants. not jeans, but pants. just loose, comfy, can wear anywhere pants that are not jogging pants. know the kind i mean?

many moons ago (pre-child) i was of perfect body. not in that it was perfect, but that i could go into a store and pick out a 6-8 and it would fit. no problem. now?

i tried on 40 pairs of pants. i'm not kidding. the lady working there offered me a cart because i had so many pairs of pants. i do not know what size i am. for some reason, there is a conspiracy happening in the fashion industry where they keep changing sizes. ralph lauren's size 6 is jacob's size 10. reitmans' size 10 is tristan and iseut's size M. it hurts my head trying to figure it all out. so what did i do? i pulled out 40 pairs of pants, ranging from sizes of 9-14. just to be safe. and i did hold them up against my waist first to see if they would fit and if they would be long enough.
40 pairs of pants.

ok. so a pair would fit in the waist, but would be too short. or fit in the waist but then there is this strange balloon at my lower belly waiting to be filled. what goes there? my secret fanny pack for travelling? am i supposed to push my belly flab down to my crotch and tuck it into that air pocket? or a pair would fit well in my butt and tummy but they are so tight around my thighs the circulation is being cut off (can i brag here that i can squat 215lbs?). or i'll find a pair that look gorgeous on my legs, and on my bum, but they don't do up. or a pair that finally fit but the waist is up at my boobs and i've got on a pair of 'mom-pants'. you know them. the ones that are so high up that the pockets are on top of the bum and give a lovely droopy showing below. but at least your gut is tucked in. so then i try on a pair that are low rise and fit fine. until i try to bend over or sit down and my entire crack is exposed. no success.

and then it hits me. skirts. long, lovely, thick skirts. i can do this. a long skirt with tights or tall socks and comfy shoes. but i don't have tights. or tall socks. or comfy shoes that would go with skirts. no matter. i'm trying them on.

i tried on 12 skirts that were acceptable length. i found one. i was very happy. denim. went to my ankles. with a slit up the back. perfect. just like a comfy pair of jeans. i'll buy a pair of socks and wear running shoes. fine. all for 4$
so i get to the line-up.
and after waiting 5 minutes for the cashier to wrap the 5th tea cup of the 40 being bought by a little old lady, i left. i'll go back tomorrow.

but this is where my revelation comes in.

i rented 'three coins in a fountain' last night. haven't finished it. set in rome. in the 50's i think. the three women are wearing skirts. but their skirts do up very high in the waist with a tight belt. and their short button up shirts are tucked in. and their skirts flare past their knees.
they figured it out. where the skirt up high to accentuate the curves, to hide the flab to show long legs.
i think it might be time to switch to skirts. in between wearing jogging pants that is.
now i just need shoes....

growth and rest

‘Our personal, heart-breaking failure in every phase of our Christian life is our Father's preparation for His success on our behalf. This negative processing of His, finally brings us into His positive promise of Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." His "good work" in us is begun through failure, and this includes our strongest points, which continues on into His success, by His performance, and not ours. . "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13).
"The Lord is glorified in a people whose heart is set at any cost, by any road, upon the goal which is God himself. A man who is thus minded says, 'By any road!' Here is a very difficult road, a road beset by enemies, but the passionate desire for the goal will hold him steadfast in the way. It is the man who lacks the yearning to know Him that will easily be turned aside. Along that road the Man Christ Jesus has already gone before, and at every point has overcome for us. We have not climb up; we are to be brought through in the train of His triumph. Every enemy has been met; every foe has been overcome; there remains nothing that has not been put potentially beneath His feet, and there remains nothing in this universe that is able to overcome the least child of God who has taken the hand of the Lord.There is great glory to the Lord in a quiet, confident walk in a day of adversity, a day of dread, when things about us are shaking and trembling." --G.P.’
I’m slowly sifting through this book given to me by a mentor. I can’t read it all in one sitting, because it is so much to digest. It blows my mind. The book was given to me as learning to develop my state of rest. As I had read and now understand, one cannot live Romans 6-12, unless he lives/believes Romans 1-5. (which I may expand on another day)
I apologize in advance to anyone reading this as when I’m thinking very hard, I get a bit pompous, using bigger words as I resort back to University and College, writing essay papers and speaking technically to get my facts across. (I’m a very ‘feely’ person, so it’s a change)
It is so easy to say ‘Not my will LORD, but Yours’, and it’s easy to think it, but so hard to live. And the passage above which G.P (can’t recollect who that is, maybe the author?) reminds us that we need to be heart-broken. And not only once. In EVERY phase of our Christian life. And the ‘icky’ part is that it’s so easy to fall back a couple of phases when I should be going forwards. And by the grace of GOD, I am forgiven and so I continue the road. But just those words, ‘heart-breaking failure’. And they aren’t talking about the pity-party failures in which you want something very badly; such as a certain house, a certain job, a certain publishing contract. But heart-breaking as your parents shutting you out again as you speak of the glory of God, of your brother conveniently forgetting that he was ever baptized. Of you having an abused childhood, of being raped in school, or your boyfriend hitting you. Of your spouse leaving you and all you ever were was obedient to God. Of your father committing suicide because he couldn’t handle it. Of your son perishing in a car accident through no fault of anyone. “But I’m obedient! But I’m Yours! But I read my bible, but I pray to You, but, but, but!” we can scream out at the top of our lungs because we are so heart-broken. And there is no rhyme or reason to any of these events happening. GOD can’t/won’t explain why. And He doesn’t have to. And we forget that. I know I forget all the time. If only it could be explained then I would have sanity back in my heart, the nightmares would stop. But there are no answers. Just the same phrases that are so quietly whispered in our hearts. “It is not for you to know”. And that is heart-breaking failure.
And it seems absolutely ridiculous that we will not grow as Christians, we will not get closer to God, we will not learn more of His will unless we have these heart-breaking failures. How do you commercialize that? Hey, become a Christian! Suffer through heart-wrenching pain and trials galore. Chances are you won’t see any fruit from your efforts, but you’ll be rewarded! We must be insane to send ourselves back for more. And it is so easy to give up. I can’t count how many times I’ve told God that I’m giving up. That He’d better start playing my way if He wants me. What a silly girl I am. And what’s even more ludicrous is that even my strongest characteristics: which I know to be compassion, writing, love and loyalty, they are nothing. I can think I’m the strongest person in the world, that I have the biggest heart (I will not be mentioning my faults of ego) I am nothing. My strengths are nothing to God because they aren’t strong enough. They never will be. Nor will He use my strengths. I am able to be compassionate to anyone, unless I can’t be. I am able to write about anything, unless I can’t. I can love anyone, regardless of what they’ve done to me, until I can’t. And I am fiercely loyal, until I’m not. I am knocked down. I cannot get up. I don’t want to get up. But then there is that hunger (which I’ll get back to). So what is it all worth? What is the worth in letting myself be destroyed? What is the worth in having my heart completely shattered, not once, but continually? Besides the obvious of eternal life? Rest.
I’m learning to rest. I’ve talked about it a few times, but I’m going to talk about it again. In a previous blog I wrote about just standing. It’s kind of the same thing. But a little different.
When heart-break comes to you, a few things happen in repercussion. You give up, you become bitter and apathetic, or you grow stronger. Everyone talks about ‘what doesn’t kill me, only makes me stronger’. And it’s true to a point. This strength isn’t your own. If it’s your own strength, then you are relying on your own strength and if you haven’t had your morning coffee, you don’t have any. This strength is apathy. For years I would build up walls to make myself stronger after heart-ache. But those are walls. I stopped caring. And every once in awhile, late at night, that wall would fall a little and I’d be sobbing trying to get those bricks back up. Where is the strength in that?
Giving up isn’t an option. I had almost given up many times in my life. But looking back I see that God didn’t let me. He would not let me. Through circumstance, fear or changing my mind.
Rest is different. ‘There is great glory to the Lord in a quiet, confident walk in a day of adversity, a day of dread, when things about us are shaking and trembling’. I want to be unshakable. I want to be so quiet, so trusting in the Lord that I can handle anything. I’m promised that because God does not give us anything we can’t handle. And do you know why we can handle them? Because He’s there handling it for us. Why should I exert a ridiculous amount of effort into something that He isn’t taking care of? Why am I trying so hard to be someone He doesn’t want me to be? Why am I trying so hard to get pregnant if it’s not time yet? Why bother? This isn’t apathy talking, it’s acceptance. Just let Him do it. Let Him tell me what to do, who to be, who to talk to, where to go. And it’s not laziness because I am waiting. I am resting. I am sitting on a comfy couch eating non-fattening yummy chocolates and drinking lattes with God and the door knocks. He gets up to answer it. ‘Who was that?’ I ask. ‘Evil’ He answers, sitting back down. ‘I sent them away today.’ Oh good I say back. But the next day, I have to answer the door myself. And evil comes in. and while I unknowingly or sinfully let it in, it comes in messing up my house, ripping my clean sheets, plugging up my toilets, killing my precious violets, ripping out every page in my journals and favourite books, emptying my fridge so I have nothing to feed my family, and maybe even burn my house down. God will help me clean it up. I might not have replacement journals or favourite books, but I’ll have new things to write about and read. I might even get 600-thread count sheet sets to replace my ripped ones. Or I’ll have to sleep on crappy polyester for awhile. And maybe the fridge will be empty and I’ve nothing to feed my family, but the neighbours will be by with crock-pots and cakes. And while my house might stink of plugged up poop and sewage for awhile, rockstar hubby will replace the toilets. And I’ll get on my hands and knees and clean it up, even if it’s unwilling and begrudging. But then I’ll get poop on my nose or something and then I’ll laugh. And that night, I’ll have a great sleep. And by that rest, by that trust, by living those beliefs that are instilled in me by God, I’ll show that I am no longer hungry. I am no longer crazed, I am no longer lost, I am no longer hungry. I am full. But here is the important part. Unless my heart is broken, unless my house is destroyed, unless my loved ones are taken from me, there is no rest. There is no sanity, there is no map to show me the way, and I am always hungry. I can do all things through Christ. But only if He wants me to do them.
So now I’ll rest. I pray for more rest. Show me rest.

today

yah, i posted two today as i forgot to post that one the other day.

woke up with too much energy this morning. had no idea what i was going to do. was supposed to visit a friend (oops, forgot) and maybe i made plans to see A with baby elly grace but not sure. too many sparkly things.
so i cranked up y101 (who'd a thunk i still had a love for country?) and i vaccumed. i mean, VACCUMED! i did the basement for goodness sakes! two loads of laundry! i vaccumed behind the toilets! i cleaned! i made dinner in the crockpot (which might turn icky as i altered it realizing i had no cream of chicken soup - i altered it to tomatoes, patak curry sauce, and soy milk), played with gaffer who is determined to be a dog today and drank an eggnog latte.

will be consumming more if this keeps up.

however, getting cramp in right leg which means pop another pill and stop. so i'll stop. and read books with gaffer-dog and eat apple with blue cheese because i hate apples.

have discovered black tomatoes...

need company this afternoon to believe that i really do clean house. although the dirt seems to be piling up again. what? does it hide and wait until i put the shopvac away and then come running out and yell "ha! got you!" because it knows i can't be bothered to get it out until next week?

people you meet.

there was this guy in here last week who sat across from me (I’m sitting at the fireplace in the comfy chairs) and he was totally checking me out and I purposefully ignored him but stole glances to laugh. He got himself a latte. And he was mr. smooth with his expensive shoes and mexx jacket. He sat down and took a drink. And then there was a large wad of foam on the side of his mouth. And he never noticed. So I stifled my laughing and let it linger. So I’m still not looking at him, and he decides to do the ‘show-off’ thing where he decides to stretch super far in his chair, with his arms straight up, bent over backwards so he can exposed his stomach. (how cheesy) but as he does his hands knock the metal grate covering the fireplace and knocks it over. I still don’t look. so then he decides to lean forward and strike a pose. You know how someone will lean over on their knees, rest an elbow on a knee and hold their cool drink to their forehead? Well, idiot boy forgot he was holding a latte. A hot one. So after a moment he pulls it away and there is a red mark on his forehead. Thankfully my phone rang and I walked away. When I got back he was gone. Oh that was funny.

nightmare update

ok, so we took the gaffer to see the doctor over his insane amount of nightmares. (for the past two months he's been having nightmares about 1-6 times a night, every night. seriously. i'm exhausted)
the doctor was nice and did listen properly. so here's the scoop.
we've ascertained that they aren't nightmares, they are night terrors.
difference being nightmares are during REM cycle and you are paralyzed asleep and the nightmare wakes you up. night terror is during the 3rd cycle of sleep (don't ask me to explain) and gaffer sits up with bloodcurling scream and is smashing bug on bed, but he is not awake.
how to break it?
apparently like pavlov did.

so tonight, when he has a night terror i am to get up immediately, go to his room and say 'you're having a bad dream' and tuck him into bed. apparently he will go right back to sleep. this is supposed to break the subconcious cycle. like if someone is sleepwalking and you don't wake them up, they can't break the cycle. whatever. i dont' get it, but i'll do it.

hoping for quick transition. last night was 3 night terrors.

today's prayer

“May the LORD make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. May He strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our LORD Jesus comes with all His holy ones” 1 Thess 3:12-13.

I can’t make my love increase and overflow. There are people I don’t want to love, people I don’t care to love. People I want absolutely nothing to do with. And I can’t love them. I need God to love them through me. It would be so much easier, so much less painful to just not. To just let them go. How do you know when to let them go? I have no idea. I thought I knew. I thought I was supposed to let them go. How could I let them continue hurting me? How could I keep being hurt by them, when history keeps repeating itself? How am I supposed to live with their best intentions and not read into anything? it’s really difficult. It’s impossible. And yet I find myself going back, feeling a surge of love for them. I know one should not act on their feelings, but when I feel prepared, when I feel strong, I go back. And I’m reminded.

‘The open secret of healthy spiritual growth is to know and settle upon this fact as set forth in Romans 8:28, 29 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son.” When we see that all things are working together to make us more and more like the LORD Jesus, we will not be frustrated and upset when some of these “things” are hard, difficult to understand and often contain an element of death. We will be able to rest in our LORD Jesus and say to our Father, ‘Thy will be done’. And our constant attitude of faith will be: “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him”. (Job 13:15)’

I’m reminded how hard it is. That it needs to be hard, it needs to be destroying to myself because I need to be dead to myself in order to live of Him, with Him, with Him in me. And of course selfishness rears its ugly head. It usually does. And then I fail. Again. And that’s ok.
But LORD I have such a weak heart. I have the ability, on my own to love those who deserve to be loved. I can’t love those who have hurt me, who make me crazy, who try to constantly tear me down. But it is so easy to love You LORD. Will You give me more love? Will you push me further so that I may love more? Make me love more. Make me love those who I want nothing to do with. Make me see Your compassion for them. Let me love those who need to be loved. And keep me strong. Keep me safe. Keep me as Job, so regardless of how I am slain, I will trust in You.

seeds, seeds and more seeds!

it's that time of year.
the Christmas tree is being taken down today (rockstar hubby's problem), the Christmas lights will be unplugged outside.
and now it's time for spring.

yes, i know spring doesn't start here until er...may. i know it's quite awhile away. but you don't understand! the seed catalogues came. and that's just dangerous. but, and i mean a big but, i'm very careful about what i choose. and that's why it takes me so long to buy them. i have to reorganize, redraw, and relandscape my backyard and front yard about 26 times in my head, and sometimes on paper before i decide.

ideas for today: put up mesh along sunroom walls and let beans grow. and morning glories. and sweet peas.
another tomato box.
another couple of boxes just for heirloom vegetables that i wish to try as the heirloom tomatoes, brandywine, were brilliant. i still can't get over how amazing it tasted.

gaffer issues: nightmares have started again with a vengeance. was called by a good friend and mentor yesterday to be told to read the ottawa citizen. there was an article about kids nightmares. apparently it's extremely rare (3.9%) that kids 5 and under have nightmares. and if they do have them, it's about once a week. and they are never recurring. and if they have them, it's usually due to a traumatic stress.
huh.
well, he's 3. he has them anywhere from once to 6 times per night, per week. it did stop for a week and i thought we had licked it, but nope. and they are recurring. always the same. a fish/turtle/crab/snake in his bed. and no, no stress that i'm aware of.
have prayed. a lot. prayed with him, for him, about him. prayed against evil coming into his room. prayed God would fill his head. had him pray. i've been offered suggestions of having him memorize verses, however given that he doesn't really know all of his alphabet yet, i doubt that's gonna fly. the only advice the paper had was to let him sleep in your bed. are you kidding me?! i can't even imagine the implications of my child ruining my 'bed time' with hubby, to me not being able to sleep at all due to being a very light sleeper.
yes, am thinking the worst. will be contacting doctor on monday and will push for an mri. just in case. blah. i'm not basing on the worst. it could be nothing. probably is nothing. but there is no explanation, and i am suffering from lack of sleep again. not a happy girl.

but i got my seed catalogue...

the New Year

i should probably be writing some deep insightful thing here, reflecting on the past year, what i look forward to in the new year etc. but i rarely feel nostalgic around new year. as far as i'm concerned it's a time where i have to start remembering to change the date when i write it. so instead i'll just do an update.

the holidays have been pretty good. rockstar hubby managed to score a tree job and he decided that gaffer would be shipped off to sitter for a day so i could write. and i did. for like, 6 hours. it was awesome. then through that job he managed to score 3 more, 2 of them we're waiting for the ok. so he has a full day of trees tomorrow which is awesome because the savings account is getting a little too low for my comfort. and the gaffer is going to sitters on thursday so rockstar hubby and i can have a date. which will probably consist of a latte, and maybe walk around new homes being built so we can get ideas...for nothing that we are planning. it's just something to do that's free.
yesterday i got to spend time writing and i'm so pleased with the progress. i've been doing character development to make them more likeable and i'm adding descriptions to the characters and their surroundings. i sat in that chair at my favourite coffee house for 5.5 hours straight with moments to pee. it was awesome. i'm so excited about guelph's writing conference in june. rsh and i discussed the weekend and i've been given 'permission' to go all by myself. i'm kinda excited. i'm going to be a nervous wreck as it is and the last thing he needs is for me to take it out on him. so i'll go alone, footloose and fancyfree.

last night involved going to our pastor's house for new years. blessedly (is that word?) we are good friends as well, so we had a lovely time eating food, drinking wine, hot tubbing and playing games. lovely, lovely, time.

as for resolutions? none. as for plans? well...i have the rational that i eat about 85% of the time healthy foods. in moderation. and i don't gain weight. however, i'd like to lose a few pounds. just a few, not several. so i'm thinking if i'm super strict for exactly 30 days, i'll lose those few pounds and then i can go back to my regular eating and i should stay at that weight. i have no idea if it'll work and i am a little nervous about it because i looooooathe veggies and fruit. i'm sick of salads, i can't eat most veggies unless i chase it with rolaids and fruit? so expensive in the winter time. but i'm determined to do it. 30 days including a food diary. starting tomorrow of course. (as i devour a few 'turtles' and eat cheese and wine tonight)