ballet, toronto, atwood and shakespeare

I feel guilty about writing a funny blog today because of yesterday's pain. As an update, I met with her yesterday and told her about a great counsellor. And she was all for seeing them. And then at the last second, she backed out. I guess she's not ready. And I don't know what to say. Except, I'm here for you.

So tuesday night was ballet night. I love ballet night. I hate getting ready and driving there because I'd rather stay at home and snuggle with my family, but I went after missing three sessions, due to the teacher being sick, me being sick and the gaffer having issues.
There was only three of us that night, which is fine. One girl is from Toronto and she's quite the character. When she first showed up she turned to me and started telling me about an article in the Globe and Mail about Margaret Atwood and then she started defending her work and she got all hot and bothered. And as I'm looking at her smiling, I'm thinking:
-why are you talking to me about Atwood?
-I don't like Atwood. I don't understand why she writes. It's so pompous and annoying and she puts in things that are ridiculous.
-Why are you getting all excited?
-Do I look like I read the Globe and Mail? (is that a compliment?)
-Why is she still talking to me?
-And why is she wearing the full pink ballerina tights and shoes and flowy skirt and why is her make up so dark?
-Why am I still smiling?
-Why am I not arguing how crappy Atwood is?

(yes I know, I'm about to castrated from society for not liking Atwood because 1) she's a writer and 2) she's Canadian.
I don't care if people are from Canada. I'm not going to a movie, a concert, read a book because someone is Canadian. Don't even get me started on Jann Arden. I have a few choice words for her. But that's another story.
Can I also say, as a writer, and yes I classify myself as one even though I haven't published anything professionally YET, I don't like Shakespeare. I think I'm in trouble on that one and I think B and Zuzu are just going to have to agree to disagree with me. Why don't I like him? Just one reason. His characters irritate me. No seriously! The women are all cowards, (Oh I cant' tell him how I feel!) they are depressing (why won't he pay attention to me? Maybe I should just kill myself!)The men are either sexually charged up and need to make dumb comments about everything or they are idiots! The ONLY character I even remotely could appreciate, was Mercutio from Romeo and Juliet. Sure he was a jokester and a bit of an a$$, but his final line, "A plague on both your houses!" meant he finally got it! That he was wasting his pride on fighting a war with another family that he didn't even CARE about, that he realized that Romeo was an idiotic moony teenager who couldn't make up his mind on what he wanted, and at that moment, when he was stabbed, he just realized that his life was WASTED! A plague on both your houses! May both families suffer because I am about to die for nothing! Nothing of importance! The only thing I'll be remembered for is about having humour, that I was secretly in love with Romeo so that must be the reason I put up with his moods, (or maybe it was because Romeo had money?)I used to be a good swordsman but now I'm not because I lost, and I made good hot buttered toast! He realized his life was a waste! No one else did! Ok, I'd better shut up here, because I am ranting and given my two buddies are 'in luuurve' with Will, they may send me hate mail. And that's not the point.
What was I talking about?
Oh yes, ballet.

So the two ladies there, we are missing two as well, are chatting. For some reason I'm the only one married and with a child in this group. Did I mention i'm the only one over 30? Anyways, they are talking about this website for singles. I won't mention it because I don't want to give them credit for anything. Anyways, one of the girls, we'll call E, met two guys on this site and is apparently 'seeing' one of them. So Ms. Toronto decides to try it out. She now has a stalker. He found out her facebook, her msn and her work directory and keeps harassing her. Note to the notsowise. DON'T use your real name!!! duh!
Anyways, so we're bending and stretching and I think, hey, i'll go on the other side of the bar today because my right side is waaay more flexible and whatnot. Wow, was that hard! anyways, so i'm bending my back in ways i never knew possible (and once i feel better, i'll show rockstar hubby my new moves), but then she (the teacher) has us doing jumps. You start in first position, hands behind back like chickens (except it's a french word. a la poulet?) and you jump up into the air as high as you can and land in second, toes pointed the whole time and you must land gracefully. That worked for two jumps. Until I peed myself. Oh Kegel's! You've failed me again! So now I'm so embarassed by this dark stain (not huge but I could see it in the mirror, If I looked hard enough) and I start to laugh. Big mistake. I start landing harder like an elephant (and I just want to point out that I don't 'look' like an elephant)and I start laughing harder because I look ridiculous and I pee a little more. So I stop.
So now my back is sore, my butt has a cramp from some kind of jete-ing behing my back (I have no friggin' idea what it's called - but you know that butt cramp you get when you're...getting it on? same spot) so i'm laughing even harder, and now I have pee on my tights.