I feel as though I should be witty but...

I know it's been awhile. And I don't even know if anyone missed me. It's not like I get anonymous comments, which means I am definitely not in the 'zone' or whatever it's called. And that's ok.
I just got back from Pembroke. Actually, I got back Wednesday night. I've been busy. Well, not so much busy, just not knowing what to write about. It almost feels mundane to write about regular events, although I keep reminding myself that at some point, I will probably print all of these blogs out to keep as a journal for later on. Just to see my growth.
And since last year, I've done a lot of growth.

As I said, I just got back from Pembroke. There's a retreat center out there called, St.Marguerite's, which I believe used to be a hospital. Or a nunnery for really old nuns. Regardless, it has some lovely lounges to sit it, a private bedroom, and you get fed three meals a day plus delicious snacks on the side. Which would explain why I'm back on the 'super-diet' because I gained a few while I was gone, even though I went for long walks everyday. I can hope that these few pounds mean I'm pregnant, but I won't hold my breath. (Incidentally, whoever out there tells people trying to get pregnant to stop trying? Shut up. Seriously! I don't want to hear I'm trying too hard. I want to hear, oh you poor thing, that sucks. Let me wallow for a few moments while I need to regain my hopes and desires for the next two weeks! I don't want to hear stories about how so-and-so stopped trying and now they are. Good for them. I don't care. This isnt' about them. And yes, I know maybe it's not part of the plan...you know what? I'm just going to stop talking about it and leave it at that. There. No more whining. Ok)
um...oh yah. So I went away initally to have a good cry. Life was getting a little too insane. I hadn't been away since last November (what was I thinking???) and I needed it. The gaffer was making me crazy and I had no patience left whatsoever. And all of life was pressing around me, tightly squeezing my chest until I couldn't breathe. And I felt it. The sadness. The sadness and despair and depression was coming. I only know this because I was 'depressed' before and it's not a place I'm going to allow myself to go again. So I was off for some spiritual healing. If you ever need healing baby, go to the big man. He knows what He's doing.
Taking all of the little silly details out, like how I shopped, walked the trail by the water (hello? beautiful!), visited garden centers and walked too far and got blisters....I did not cry. At all. What's up with that?

I wasn't sad. I was just...quiet. Not even introspective. I kept talking to God, saying, Ok, anything You want to tell me, I'm listening, I'm here for You! And basically He told me to chill out. So I did. And after much reading and studying I came up with one conclusion.

I'm growing again. One thing I always beg for, is for God to make me into who He wants me to be. Anything, any problem, no matter what. I want to be the best I can be, for Him. No one else. And that's when life got horribly icky. And I grew. I depend on Him and I grow.
I also remembered that I told God that I would do, be, suffer whatever, anything: for my parents to be saved. I told Him I'd do anything. Give anything. I would give up everything for this.
The other day I was listening to Chuck Swindall (sp?) on CHRI and he was talking about our souls and how they never die. How when you go to heaven, your soul lives forever in heaven. But if you go to hell, you soul lives forever in hell.
I wouldn't wish hell on my worst enemy.

So, in all, I was reminded of the simplicity of the world. How I need to keep it simple and focus on what's really important.
And I had a thought. That maybe all these children that I want, this huge family that I don't have yet, maybe they'll come to me in the form of the Indian Orphanage I want to move to. Or to all the children who will write to me when I publish my book and I get to write back. Who knows? Doesn't matter. I just want them.