guilt, guilt, guilt

so i took the gaffer to a new childcare at a new gym. i thought it would go well. two minutes after i dropped him off i check in on him, and he's in time out because he hit a child.
15 minutes later the girl comes to get me because he was sitting quietly and then just reached out and hit another kid inthe face...i was told if he did it again, he'd be asked to leave...

talk about embarassment!

i did have a talk with him. i stressed the rules and how it wasn't very nice and that his new present would be taken away if he did it again. he was a good boy for the rest of the visit...
but why?

the gaffer is so...not violent. usually. i mean, he gets picked on by other kids. yesterday at the sitters, he was pushed twice by two different kids that were younger than he was. is he acting out? is he frustrated?
i wish so much i could get through to him that some kids are just pushy. some kids want to be bossy. but he doesn't have to play with them. that grown ups are there to help him. that he is very much loved and he doesn't have to put up with that.

then the fears come to surface, as they normally do i suspect as a mom.
what if he becomes reclusive and is bullied all through school?
what if he turns and becomes violent because he's had enough?
what if he's super mean to the next child we want to have?
what if he doesn't feel enough love from us?
what if we're failing as parents?

and so it begins.
why am i taking this so personally? i know that there are some crazy kids out there and it has nothing to do with their parents. but the gaffer is normally a very well behaved kid. he's funny, he's affectionate, he's sweet, calm, laughs all the time...

i just want so much for him. like any parent does. i want him to be happy. to know true joy. to know God and chase after Him for the rest of his life. i want him to have good close friends, a joyful and fulfilling life.

how on earth am i going to be able to let him go?