I haven't written lately for a good reason.
I'm afraid to.
My dad is in the hospital.
He has been for 8 days now.
And we're not really getting any answers.
Well, I'm not.
He went in last Sunday, I'm told, because he had the shakes really badly.
What I have been told is that he has type two diabetes. Normal for his age.
That he has an enlarged prostate. Normal for his age.
He has an abscess on his prostate. Normal for his age.
He's blind in one eye. I guess from the diabetes.
He has a staph infection in his foot. From not treating it properly I guess.
He can't close his left hand...
That's all I know.
He's had so many catscans and mri's and eye exams.
Why don't they have any answers?
Why is he still in the hospital?
I understand he's on major antibiotics because of everything but...
When I went into the hospital to see him, I didn't recognize him in the bed. I argued with RSH that it wasn't him. But it was. His hair was so white and his body so frail.
And I'm ok. Really.
I've asked God not to take him until he's saved.
But that's not something I can really talk to my dad about.
Is there something they just aren't telling me?
I wish I would know.
I know it doesn't seem serious, and it's not when you look at the facts.
But he looks so old.
And so tired.
And I know it's his fault for not taking care of himself. For never going to a doctor. I mean, what do you expect?
And I trust God. I trust God so much.
But that doesn't stop the constant nag, the flitting thoughts that cover over everything I do or say.
It doesn't stop me waking up in 12:44 with a knot in my stomach, wondering what's wrong with him.
It doesn't stop me wondering if he's scared.
Dad's aren't supposed to be scared.
I know people have dads that are sick all over the world. I know that some people have lost their dads due to accidents, sickness or old age. I know people have gone through so much worse than me, have hurt more than me, have gone through hell and back.
But this is MY dad.
And I guess at 12:48 I can finally acknowledge that I'm scared.
2 comments:
I'm sorry. I hope you find out something soon. It's hard to see our parents age. What a worry! My dad has type two too. (My guess is that he has to stay in until they can stabilize him and start teaching him how to cope with it when he goes back home.)
Of course you're scared. It's your dad. He's probably scared too. I love you.
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