funk..funky, funk

i make light of it you know, because it is rather funny when you think of it, much later on.
but i am in a funk.

yes, i know i do not have a right to be. i've had many, many amazing things happen to me, not the least being spending time with God.

but i am so...funk.

i've been making myself watch grey's anatomy videos so i can at least do some crying that makes sense, instead of just crying for no good reason. and i must say that blue cheese, olives, grapes and wine taste great with tears. now i'll try chocolate tonight.

why the funk? i only have a few ideas
1-i haven't been away since june. ever since inSPIRE i've needed to go away every two months to reconnect, refocus and reprioritize things. and spend time with God. quietly. at a retreat that makes me yummy, healthy food. where i can sleep as much as i want, walk anywhere i want and look at anything i want.
2- i always get this way this time of year. no idea why. it started...uh...7 years ago when i was diagnosed with depression. thankfully and blessedly, it went away after 6 months. but still funk.
3- trying to do too much. i don't 'feel' like i'm doing too much, but let me write it out and i'll see: shower this friday night at my house, husband not home much lately (obvious for funk), marriage conference at end of november and am helping recruit for it, women's ministry thing on nov 26th, possible shopping date with mom-in-law on my b-day that i don't really want to go to because i can't bloody afford anything in that silly town but it's time together and that she would like, oh yeah, trying to reorganize the house. moving the sitting room into the dining room, the dining room into one end of the living room, but i'm missing my sun room terribly but it's bloody cold in there and will just get worse because the floor isn't insulated and probably isn't a good idea for gaffer to play in there, but i want it back. moving stuff around. trying to throw things out. supposed to write a drama for church function but really really don't want to.
ok, this doesn't sound like much. i'm such a whiner. or is it a winer?
4- still no baby. i don't want one anymore. i have too much i want to do now. lie lie lie.
5-i want to just sit somewhere, uninterrupted and just stare. i stopped at chapters today on my day off (you'd think i'd be recharged but instead i'm just more tired) and i sat there for half an hour staring at nothing. and i thought about nothing. it was brilliant.

or this could all be self-pity. in which case, stop reading so that you'll not think differently of me.

i'm going to listen to moody music now and be all moody while i clean my house.